I used to keep a paper journal. I haven't in a while and recently got thinking and realized that this online blog has become my journal over the years. Kinda strange I guess, because it's out for the world to see. But I don't really write it with anyone in mind. I write to clear my head. To draw out the
thoughts that have been jostling about in my mind, and piece them together in a way that makes sense. I fuel a life that is busy and cluttered and often I'll read something in my Bible study that is profound and impactful. But if I don't process it through writing or discussing, it slips away and I quickly forget why I thought it was so important to begin with...
.....................................
After my last blog post about letting go, I went on a bit of a whirlwind journey.
My husband and I went to Mexico, our first week long trip without kids since before the kids were born. It was an interesting week - relearning how to be together without the kids, and learning how to let ourselves actually relax. And there was an encounter there that really blew me away but I'll write a post about that another time. I took my study book "Psalm 23" determined to actually spend time with God.
Ironically, I had come to believe that the only thing stopping me from spending quality intentional time with God was that I'm a busy mom, always on the go, earning an income, taking care of my family, etc. While those things certainly make it a lot more difficult, to my surprise, when I had all the time in the world to spend with God, I found it just as difficult to "want" to carve out that time.
Turns out it's a matter of the heart would you believe? [sarcasm]
There was one night that I sat out on our room's little porch area, playing a voice recording of a song that I had started writing. The song, ironically, is about God calling me to spend time with Him, and how - when I obey - He reminds me of these truths:
thoughts that have been jostling about in my mind, and piece them together in a way that makes sense. I fuel a life that is busy and cluttered and often I'll read something in my Bible study that is profound and impactful. But if I don't process it through writing or discussing, it slips away and I quickly forget why I thought it was so important to begin with...
.....................................
After my last blog post about letting go, I went on a bit of a whirlwind journey.
My husband and I went to Mexico, our first week long trip without kids since before the kids were born. It was an interesting week - relearning how to be together without the kids, and learning how to let ourselves actually relax. And there was an encounter there that really blew me away but I'll write a post about that another time. I took my study book "Psalm 23" determined to actually spend time with God.
Ironically, I had come to believe that the only thing stopping me from spending quality intentional time with God was that I'm a busy mom, always on the go, earning an income, taking care of my family, etc. While those things certainly make it a lot more difficult, to my surprise, when I had all the time in the world to spend with God, I found it just as difficult to "want" to carve out that time.
Turns out it's a matter of the heart would you believe? [sarcasm]
There was one night that I sat out on our room's little porch area, playing a voice recording of a song that I had started writing. The song, ironically, is about God calling me to spend time with Him, and how - when I obey - He reminds me of these truths:
"You remind me that I'm beautiful
You remind me that I'm loved
That you're walking with me through this darkened valley
And that God, God you are enough."
I sat there, singing harmonies along with the song, and my heart felt so assured, so at rest and at peace.
Why can we go from experiencing a closeness to God one day -- to ignoring His invitation flat out, over and over again on the next?
Because we let something else take God's place.
After taking a break from: Youtube, Instagram, Netflix, and Bored Panda (major idols for me) for a whole month leading up to that trip ---that the day before our Mexico trip that I started watching them again.
Mexico is our vacation. What's the big deal about watching Netflix? Going on Instagram? I'll tell you - for me - it equaled staying up too late, going back into the mindset of comparison and wanting what others have, and taking time away from what could have been time with God. A lot of people, I imagine, don't see it as a struggle. You deserve a break! You work so hard! A little Netflix isn't a big deal.
All true statements. But for me, when I turn to those distractions, I find it REALLY hard to turn away. I binge watch, I binge scroll. And it's a ripple effect (in Mexico or at home).
Turn on Netflix/IG to check out 1 thing = Just one more = Just one more = stay up too late = wake up feeling exhausted, moody = playing catch up during the day = every normal frustration, or upset is so much more overwhelming.
Granted in Mexico it was a lot easier to play catch up because I was only responsible for myself. But at home, the biggest thing I miss out on if I'm too tired to prioritize time with God in the morning and then I MISS OUT on things that God wanted to show me, to equip me for the day ahead. I've never learned something in the morning with God that was a waste. It always ends up being something that isn't just for me (for a friend as well), and it helps me put things in perspective in how I treat my husband, my kids, and myself.
When I let Netflix/Youtube/IG, etc consume my time, I get apathetic about time with God, time with other people, time spent on the things I'm passionate about. It's no small side effect - it has a real impact on me personally.
We got home from our trip and the apathy that had followed me to Mexico followed me home. I tell ya, I came home and my heart was so restless and I became so overwhelmed by anxiety about what to do in my life - work-wise, purpose-wise, dream-wise. I felt God nudging me to spend time with Him, but I pushed it aside and
gave into worry. I had stopped the Etsy shop and income had slowed with
my financial business because I hadn't done any new appointments.
Suddenly, I was wracked by fear and a kind of alarm. I spent multiple nights in a row, staying up late researching freelance writing work opportunities. I've always had an interest in writing and I thought, "I gotta look into this!" But the search returned results that were peanuts for pay and I realized I'd be selling myself short to jump into something like that, and it would steal more time away from the story writing ventures that I am keen to do.
In the "No Other Gods" study and (as mentioned in my previous post) - I thought that my main idol was the Etsy shop - and this driving urgent need to create.
But this month with a change in income, I realized the real idol was two-fold:
1) Money.
I never would describe myself as someone motivated by money. And yet, so often, it has the power to convince me that I should walk in one direction over another. Lack of it creates an overwhelming anxiety, and sends me into a spiral of "what-ifs." And when I have it, I want more. I want freedom to buy what I want, when I want. To live comfortably. But though it obviously has its benefits - money doesn't satisfy.
2) I want to feel important. That what I do is significant and noticed.
This is a basic human want. Nothing wrong with it, in and of itself.
But to who/or what do I go to find that affirmation? The answer changes everything.
I think the only real danger of the Etsy shop is that is can become all consuming. That I get caught up in designs that take too much time and get overwhelmed and when my head is down working like crazy, I miss out on the things God wants to show me and do for me and through me.
In and of itself earning an income is a necessity. No doubt about that.
All of these realizations forced me to take a good hard look at how I was making an income (as a financial coach & the Etsy shop) and I realized both can be dangerous depending on where my motivation lies.
It gave me a lot to think about. And I'm still thinking about it and figuring it out. But in the past month I realized that the Etsy shop is not the enemy, it's just a distraction from me seeing the truth of what was really motivating me.
Now that I see it, I really feel the shop is something I can continue, AS LONG AS I don't treat it like it's a career. It's a side income - that's all it is. And if it starts to pick up and get crazy to the point where I'm brushing God aside then I need to hold it loosely or take a break until my head clears again. I can use it as an outlet to create, earn some money, be a blessing to other people - but it can't be my all and everything - it won't satisfy the way God does.
In and of itself earning an income is a necessity. No doubt about that.
All of these realizations forced me to take a good hard look at how I was making an income (as a financial coach & the Etsy shop) and I realized both can be dangerous depending on where my motivation lies.
It gave me a lot to think about. And I'm still thinking about it and figuring it out. But in the past month I realized that the Etsy shop is not the enemy, it's just a distraction from me seeing the truth of what was really motivating me.
Now that I see it, I really feel the shop is something I can continue, AS LONG AS I don't treat it like it's a career. It's a side income - that's all it is. And if it starts to pick up and get crazy to the point where I'm brushing God aside then I need to hold it loosely or take a break until my head clears again. I can use it as an outlet to create, earn some money, be a blessing to other people - but it can't be my all and everything - it won't satisfy the way God does.
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