I feel as though I'm waking up. Like I'm lifting my head up above a fog that's been consuming me for the past while. I think I have raised my head up a few times, caught a glimpse of what I needed to see, and fully intended to act on it, only to get pulled back down by a mix of people needing me, and me wanting to be needed.
In December, I've been promised the gift of a baby. December 2nd to be exact. If that promise changes my hope and trust will continue to rest on God but my hope is it doesn't change. I am looking forward to this new season of my life for many reasons - the number one reason being that I can focus solely on being a wife and mother for the first time in a long time.
It took an argument with my incredibly patient husband to see what I've glossed over, dunked down and flat out ignored this past year - that I've put Young Life and it's needs before that of my husband's over and over and it's worn us thin in places that are so difficult to see within the fog. Places that my husband has patiently kept to himself. Whilst I've been in the spotlight serving God and others, he has been behind the scenes, faithful and understanding, steering this ship of marriage that we're on with a firm hand, caring for the practical stuff, and looking out for our future. Our future. I am so thankful we still have that, that my misplaced need for affirmation and righteous quest hasn't cut us off from that. We have a future with our relationship and with this baby to come as we enter this new stretch of life as parents.
Don't get me wrong - I believe that we are called to serve God and that He even calls us to put Him before our families. I think though, to be perfectly honest, I have put Young Life at times even before my relationship with God. Strange how something can be so linked to God and driven by it and yet in our human weakness we raise it up over God. Sometimes He uses something to gently remind us, sometimes He uses something bitter and difficult to open our eyes. I am so thankful for what seemed so difficult that has now shown me the truth of what I needed to see.
God has done EVERYTHING in Young Life this year. Not me. God has brought more leaders on board. God has drawn kids to Him through the message of Jesus. God has equipped leaders and filled them with strength when they needed. God has given them the tools to do the task He has called them to. God has strengthened our committee and brought financial donors on board. God has and is opening our community's eyes to the need for Young Life as a tool to spread the incredible message of Christ and what a friendship with Him can look like to these teens.
And now God is equipping us for campaigners - for regular Bible studies with the kids that really want to grow in their faith. He has provided a tangible resource to follow, people to lead and I see now how easy it could have been for me a long time ago to step back, to not overwhelm myself with this sense that I am needed, that I am the only one that can do what needs to be done. It was a role that I took on at first with great excitement, but at times it was a burden and instead of pulling back to let others step forward, I just pushed myself, exhausting every inch of my resources including my marriage in trying to take charge of things.
It is a graceful line to walk now - this transitional period - from being at the front of the stage to the back of the auditorium, cheering on the people that God is calling to carry this forward.
But the more I let go, the more I see how God has already provided leaders to carry this on and I trust He will continue to provide people moving forward. Blessed and grateful to recognize this in the midst of it.
In December, I've been promised the gift of a baby. December 2nd to be exact. If that promise changes my hope and trust will continue to rest on God but my hope is it doesn't change. I am looking forward to this new season of my life for many reasons - the number one reason being that I can focus solely on being a wife and mother for the first time in a long time.
It took an argument with my incredibly patient husband to see what I've glossed over, dunked down and flat out ignored this past year - that I've put Young Life and it's needs before that of my husband's over and over and it's worn us thin in places that are so difficult to see within the fog. Places that my husband has patiently kept to himself. Whilst I've been in the spotlight serving God and others, he has been behind the scenes, faithful and understanding, steering this ship of marriage that we're on with a firm hand, caring for the practical stuff, and looking out for our future. Our future. I am so thankful we still have that, that my misplaced need for affirmation and righteous quest hasn't cut us off from that. We have a future with our relationship and with this baby to come as we enter this new stretch of life as parents.
Don't get me wrong - I believe that we are called to serve God and that He even calls us to put Him before our families. I think though, to be perfectly honest, I have put Young Life at times even before my relationship with God. Strange how something can be so linked to God and driven by it and yet in our human weakness we raise it up over God. Sometimes He uses something to gently remind us, sometimes He uses something bitter and difficult to open our eyes. I am so thankful for what seemed so difficult that has now shown me the truth of what I needed to see.
God has done EVERYTHING in Young Life this year. Not me. God has brought more leaders on board. God has drawn kids to Him through the message of Jesus. God has equipped leaders and filled them with strength when they needed. God has given them the tools to do the task He has called them to. God has strengthened our committee and brought financial donors on board. God has and is opening our community's eyes to the need for Young Life as a tool to spread the incredible message of Christ and what a friendship with Him can look like to these teens.
And now God is equipping us for campaigners - for regular Bible studies with the kids that really want to grow in their faith. He has provided a tangible resource to follow, people to lead and I see now how easy it could have been for me a long time ago to step back, to not overwhelm myself with this sense that I am needed, that I am the only one that can do what needs to be done. It was a role that I took on at first with great excitement, but at times it was a burden and instead of pulling back to let others step forward, I just pushed myself, exhausting every inch of my resources including my marriage in trying to take charge of things.
It is a graceful line to walk now - this transitional period - from being at the front of the stage to the back of the auditorium, cheering on the people that God is calling to carry this forward.
But the more I let go, the more I see how God has already provided leaders to carry this on and I trust He will continue to provide people moving forward. Blessed and grateful to recognize this in the midst of it.
