Edmonton at night...

Went for a walk around Edmonton... Beautiful at night with the lights.

and then we were in a park and we found a monkey. random.

Reaching across the gap...

I just watched "Hotel Rwanda." Terribly sad piece of history - one that most of us won't think twice about sadly. A little bit later I found myself dicussing the relationship between the native first nations community and the whites in Slave Lake, with a gentlemen who has lived here for several years.

It struck me that in both circumstances - in Rwanda and for the First Nations people - there is a gap. A gap in a way of thinking. The genocide in Rwanda was brought about by people putting down other people, reducing them to a stereotype.

From my experience of living next to an native reserve in BC, studies I have done on Native Counselling methods vs Western counselling methods, personal testimonies of First Nations people themselves, and knowledge of the history - I have seen a gap between their culture and way of thinking and the whites culture.

There is a stigma attached to First Nations people and their culture and their history that the man I was talking to was frustrated with. There was this moment where I brought up residential schools and it was slightly brushed aside. Now I know that the residential schools did far more damage than any of us white people will ever know. That we cannot understand the generational damage that was done, in the same way that we cannot understand the damage of the genocide in Rwanda.

We think we can. We empathize but empathy does not erase the gap. The gentleman I spoke with acknowledged that there are First Nations people that have stepped out of the mould of alcoholism, abusing the system, drug use, teen pregnancies but his experience sadly has been more of those who haven't. This has created a gap - a difference that puts him on one side and 'them' on the other.

I left the conversation struggling to know - how do we reach around the gap of stigma, of history, of negative experiences that confirm stigma? I heard of incredible stories of Tutsi people forgiving their perpetrators. Of seeing those that killed their families, their friends - not as animals but as forgiven brothers and sisters.

I truly believe forgiveness is the only arm with which you can reach out across a gap such as this. A gap created by two different ways of thinking. Once you forgive, then you need to love. But you cannot love until you forgive - that is the catch-22.

Here in town is a Native Friendship centre. It is intended to be a place where any children can come and spend time together - but usually it is only First Nations children that come. It is hard to approach something like this - a place like this - knowing of the battle between stigmas and working within communities to abolish stigmas and actually change things for the better. It is difficult to walk into that world without preconceptions as a white person - of what someone might think of me, or what I might unintentionally assume about that person just because of their background.

It is this gap and this difficulty that I think can only be breached by reaching out in love and forgiveness. Forgiveness for things that have been said and done in the past - not by us - but by generations before us. To just accept the other person as a person - regardless of their skin colour. It is something that I think a lot of us unintentionally do - judge people according to what we have heard.

And in talking with this gentleman earlier, I felt the frustration of having to accept that I could not convince one way or the other - but need to experience for myself the gap and only then can I actually reach across it. 

Christmas in Slave Lake

This Christmas has surprised me. It has not been what I expected and yet somehow it has been what I had expected.

The overall feeling, looking back, has been a sense of God's favour on us and blessing. This has come from a mix of our families', total strangers, and people we just recently befriended. We were kindly invited to both a Christmas Eve dinner and a Christmas day dinner by some friends we only recently met. It was a strange feeling - to be sitting with almost-strangers on Christmas Eve - but there was this fellow sense of all of us being apart from family this Christmas and it created a strange sort of bond. The couple who hosted it are moving in February and will be going to Hong Kong for a flying job. It has been really cool to see how God just took us on that journey - moving somewhere completely foreign, away from everything we know, for a husband's new job. And I was encouraging the wife that Psalm 139:5 is a great verse to cling to - that God goes ahead to prepare places for us when he calls us into something new.

My favourite parts of Christmas were doing Skype with my family and Jay's family. Seeing all of your loved ones together is hard - because you feel the distance so strongly and you just so want to be in the same room with them. And yet, seeing them all crowded onto a computer screen, eager to see you and hear from you - you realize just how much it means just to connect with them on Christmas.

First we skyped Jay's fam - Amanda, Ben, Katie, Mrs. D, & Mr. D

Sadie & Mr. D

and then my fam...

Mom with the new gloves I gave her - they have little red chickens on them

And the whole fam!!

After that we skyped the Prices when they came over but I don't have a pic. 

And ever later on - we skyped the whole Doner  peanut gallery :)

I do have a couple embarrassing videos of them but it won't let me upload sadly. 

All in all, this Christmas was an eye-opening experience for me. Christmas morning I started thinking about how all over the world there all people, kids, living on the streets who don't know Christmas day to be any different from the next. People who've never received a gift, who won't get to be with families and don't know the story behind Christmas. I just felt so burdened to pray for these people early Christmas morning and it took my attention of self-pity for Jay and I being away from home and gave me the right perspective. Just as people reached out to us this Christmas, so are we to reach out to others. It was kind of a release when Jay and I moved and decided not to do presents or stockings. We weren't swept up in the Christmas craziness - and the focus became the time we could spend with each other and friends and family and it was just so nice to shift our focus off ourselves. 

We attended a Christmas Eve service in town and both Jay and I spent most of the service wishing we were back at our home church and comparing and contrasting. Sure it wasn't what we wanted in a service but it's one of those things that you have to just think - well I guess God was speaking to someone in those songs just as he spoke to me of HIs presence in 'O Holy Night.' Christmas morning I was also thinking back to that service and how alot of those people at that service either had lost a home in the fire or knew someone that had. Tons of families in Slave Lake woke up on Christmas morning in unfamiliar places. Traditions that were always done in their homes couldn't be done in their new homes and I just realized again how blessed Jay and I are. 

We have a safe, warm place to stay, we have those material things that we don't need but have that sentimental value. We are able to go back and visit places in Ontario that mean something to us - that hold value - and we have our families most importantly in our lives, investing in spite of the distance. And for these things I am so thankful to God - especially for family and friends. Don't take them for granted, because when it comes down to the important stuff in your life, they are right at the top of the list. Merry Christmas everyone! xoxo

Excerpt from previous post

Just an excerpt from my last post "I've been running from myself."

V13 : "...When you seek me with all your heart, (v14) I will be found by you, declares the LORD,"

>Jeremiah 24:7 - I will give them a heart to know that I am the LORD, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.

>Deut 4:29 - But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.

[The song by the Fray called "You found me" talks from the perspective of someone who is crying out to God and says God has showed up too late. I wrote some counter lyrics - from God's perspective to that person. Someday I hope to record and make a video for them. That song drives a wedge deep into my heart every time I hear it - because it suggests that God doesn't respond when we call to him. The truth however is that God has been pursuing since before we were born - that if we just reach out to him, He can show us exactly why it is that we need him. That if we truly search with all our heart - that He will be found by us.]

I've been running from myself

I thought I had left this behind. This complacency towards God. This tendency in me to go for days without spending quality time in my Bible, the tendency to just "know about" God, and "talk about" God, and "talk at"God - but not actually 'talk to' God.

I thought picking up my life and moving out to the middle of what felt like nowhere would create this deep need in me for God. That I would hit rock bottom and cry out to God and at last would really 'feel' His presence in my overwhelming need for His companionship, for His understanding of what I'm going through. Ask those closest to me - I was excited to go through something 'hard' in my life - because I knew God would meet me there.

But this transition has been so not what I expected. This God-given peace that I haven't been able to shake has been here since day 1. We have slipped into life here so easily it has felt pretty seamless. Jay started his job, we have a place to live, we've applied for a place to rent, I have a job. We just got approved for a housing place in SL. In actuality, we are doing far better than we were financially in Ontario. We barely spend any money and thus, I think we may actually be able to put a dent in Jay's debt. All this is good - yes - and yes I totally give glory to God for it. And I'm thankful.

But I have realized that the complacency and apathy is a part of me. It is something I have nurtured over years of my life when I felt that little nudge to read my Bible and I just brushed over it. Years of doing that have made it a pattern in my life. And so here I am - back at square one.

Life here - right now - has a feeling of purposelessness. We live essentially for ourselves. We go to work, earn money, come home, and do what we want. Back at home, Young Life forced us out of our comfort zones, out of our tendency to use our free time for ourselves. Kids became part of our lives, part of our free time and even though I would say that most of it I felt as though I was barely giving anything, we were giving of ourselves in that way.

I know we are new here and we need to find a niche. But it is more than that and I recognize it in myself and I want to call it out. God has dreams for me - big dreams. Why else would he give me a passion and desire for music, for songwriting, for high school kids to feel loved, for people who are broken to feel that they are important. But I am not surrendering or making the most of those dreams. Jesus can't actually live and work through me if I am only opening my heart to him on some days.

If I dictate when I feel like speaking into other peoples' lives, I am missing all that God is calling me into. I am missing so much - all because I am selfish. Even if I said, "Ok God, I'm here, use me." - Saying that, but not acting on it - not starting with the first point of giving yourself to God - not surrendering my actual time in the morning to put Him first, or my time in the day to put Him first, or time at night - then I actually am not available to Him.

So in saying all this and not studying Scripture or putting God first right now - my words will be useless , weightless until I do.

So I'm going to do a reference study of Jeremiah 29:11-14. A lot of us Christians quote it when something hard comes up and we have to decide our future. But we don't actually study it in context of the Bible and where it shows up elsewhere in the Bible. I know I haven't before. And so I'm going to now.
............................................................................................................................................
Jeremiah 29:11-14


V11 : "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil..."

>Isaiah 55:8,9 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

[our understanding of God is so limited - of the way he thinks and why He does what He does - because His 'ways' and 'thoughts' are so much higher than ours. Makes me think of that kid's story where the baby rabbit stretches out his arms and says "I love you this much" and the dad stretches out his arms and says,"Well I love you this much" - The dad's love always surpasses the kid's love and it is the same with the way God plans our lives - his dreams for us are so much bigger and involve 'wholeness' in Him

V11: "...to give you a future and a hope."

>ch 31:17 - There is hope for your future, declares the LORD, and your children shall come back to their own country.

[There is alot in this passage about returning to God. The Old Testament is so repetitive in that God's people are always disobeying him and then repenting and God takes them back - out of exile and back to their own country. Maybe this is the same in my life - I surrender stuff to God and then I disobey and lose sight of the original thing he gave into my hands. But God always promises to take us back when we repent - incredible grace]

V12: "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will hear you."

>ch 33:3 - Call to me and I will answer you and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.
>Dan 9:3 - Then I turned my face to the Lord God, seeking him by prayer and pleas for mercy with fasting and sackcloth and ashes.

[Every time I decide to not pick up my bible, to not pursue God - I miss out on hearing from his heart. There have been so many times when someone came to mind and I wondered why they were in my head. The times that I was actually in tune with God - he nudged me to pray for them. But the other times it was like I just didn't know what to think. The Bible is so full of hidden treasures and yet we convince ourselves that we know all that's in it, if we've grown up in the church. Daniel goes before God in complete humility - a sack for clothing, and ashes on his body, and going hungry until he hears God speak to him. Wow. I just can't begin to imagine revering God in such a way.]

V13: "You will seek me and find me..."

>2 Chr 15:2 - and he went out to meet Asa and said to him, "Hear me, Asa, and all Judah and Benjamin. The LORD is with you while you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.


>Ps 32:6: Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters they shall not reach him.


>Ps 78:34 - When he killed them, they sought him; they repented and sought God earnestly


>Prov 8:17 - I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.


>Isai 55:6 - Seek the LORD while he may be found, call upon him while he is near.


>Hos 3:5 - Afterward the children of Israel shall return and seek the LORD their God, and David their king, and they shall come in fera to the LORD and to his goodness in the latter days.


>Lev 26:39-42 - And those of you who are left shall rot away in your enemies' lands because of their iniquity, and also because of the iniquities of their fathers they shall rot away like them. But if they confess their iniquity and the iniquity of their fathers in their treachery that they committed against me and also in walking contrary to me, so that I walked contrary to them and brought them into the land of their enemies - if then their uncircumcised heart is humbled and they make amends for their iniquity, then I will remember my covenant with Jacob and I will remember my covenant with Isaac and my covenant with Abraham and I will remember the land.


>Deut 30:1-3 - And when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse, which I have set before you, and you call them to mind amoung all the nations where the LORD your God has driven you, and return to the LORD your God, you and your children and obey his voice in all that I command you today, with all your heart and with all your soul, then the LORD your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you, and he will gather you again from all the peoples where the LORD your God has scatttered you.


[I think it's so incredible the amount of grace that God has for us in his heart. These verses talk about how important it is to God - that we would seek him with our whole hearts and that we know that we will find him in this way. often we wait to cry out to God until we are in something that is over our head. We make every decision that is within our control until we seek God and sometimes then it is too late. The Leviticus verse basically says that , yea if you decide to walk in a way that is opposite of God then suddenly what he is doing is opposite of you and he will often bring you into a difficult place (i.e the land of your enemies) to give you a second chance. Incredible. We walk away from God and still he extends grace - saying if we are humbled and repent that he will allow those amends to be made. Deut talks about returning to God - choosing to bless others rather than curse others. But again God is so gracious - he offers compassion if we only repent.]

V13 : "...When you seek me with all your heart, (v14) I will be found by you, declares the LORD,"

>Jeremiah 24:7 - I will give them a heart to know that I am the LORD, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.


>Deut 4:29 - But from there you will seek the LORD your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul.


[The song by the Fray called "You found me" talks from the perspective of someone who is crying out to God and says God has showed up too late. I wrote some counter lyrics - from God's perspective to that person. Someday I hope to record and make a video for them. That song drives a wedge deep into my heart every time I hear it - because it suggests that God doesn't respond when we call to him. The truth however is that God has been pursuing since before we were born - that if we just reach out to him, He can show us exactly why it is that we need him. That if we truly search with all our heart - that He will be found by us.]

 V 14: "and I will restore your fortunes..."

>ch 30:3 - For behold, days are coming, declares the LORD, when I will restore the fortunes of my people, Israel and Judah, says the LORD, and I will bring them back to the land that I gave to their fathers, and they shall take possession of it.

[Again, the image of God blessing his people and bringing them back to a promise he made a long time ago to bless them. Here it is about land - but it just shows how God is true to his promises. And the Bible is chock full of promises - it's amazing what hidden treasures you will find.]

V14: "...and gather you from all the nations and all the places..."

>ch 23:3- Then I will gather the remnant of my flock out of the countries where I have driven them, and I will bring them back to the their fold, and they shall be fruitful and multiply.

[I get this image of a shepherd and his sheep. Everyday he watches out for them. He cares for them even though they are stupid creatures that are always getting themselves into difficult places to reach, or wandering off. One day, he drives them off out of anger. But then, his love for them overwhelmes his anger and so he sets off across the hills, to gather every last one and bring them safely back. Its a really cool image. ]

V14: "...where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

>ch 8:3 - Death shall be preferred to life by all the remnant that remains of this evil family in all the places where I have driven them.


[I almost didn't want to include this verse - it is so dark. But it is a solid reminder that our God is not a soft God to be walked on. We can't just take his grace and do whatever we want. Because there are places that he will allow us to go that will be unbearable because we have cut ourselves off from God in choosing that sin that thing that we want so badly that drives a wedge between us and God. ]

Snow day...

Thinking outloud...about moving away

I feel as though I am not really letting myself think too much about home. I skype my family and friends and want to know what's going on in their lives, and yet I don't allow my thoughts to linger on things that I am missing out on right now. I am afraid if I do, that I will be bowled over by a weight of loneliness and sadness - this sense that I am missing out on so much.

I am happy to be here. I am thankful for a warm house, a truck, new friends, friendly churches, and potential places to share my music. But these things don't warm me the way home does. Thinking about this Christmas, when my family is all together on Christmas day, just delighting in each other's company and the security that being with your family brings - it makes me feel sad. I know whatever we do here will be an attempt at that, and I just know it won't hold the same weight.

I feel as though back home is another world. Being present here, I can't be in both worlds at the same time. I can hear about what's going on in that world and connect with people there, but each story they tell is missing me as a part of it. I imagine my family and Jay's family may feel similarly. That the life Jay and I are creating for ourselves over here is something that they are catching glimpses here and there of, but that they are not really part of. It's quite a sad thought.

I felt when I moved from Ontario that I knew what friends would fade out of my life and which ones would stick along for the ride. I can say that because I've moved before and when you're the one always trying to keep the relationship up, it's hard. When you're the one who's moved away and suddenly your stories are no longer relevant to them and their inside jokes don't make sense. And when you push out a laugh and they sense that you don't quite know what they are talking about - they begin a little by little to let you go. I struggled with that for awhile when we first moved from South Carolina until someone wise told me that God gives us different friends to meet different needs, within different seasons. Once I accepted that I was able to let go of those friendships quite easily.

Thus, with this move I feel as though my sense of home is not pending on my friends' missing me or not, or how they show it. I feel like I know the friends that will fade out and I'm ok with that. This is where family becomes so much more precious. I know my family will never fade out of my life. It's a funny thing - family. There's no pretense or pretending that friends do. If you call and your family's busy, they just tell you, no offense taken or implied and you call them back. Friends tend to pretend that you mean more to them than you do. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular just stating generic thoughts about friends versus family.

I can't really sum this up as I didn't set out to make any particular point. Just thinking outloud in text. It's an adjustment in my life and I'm just working through it. When I got married and moved out of my parents' place, I had to get used to missing things. Missing all the funny in between moments that happen in family life, that set you off giggling and laughing so hard you forget why it's funny. The quirky things you see in your family that outsiders don't see. And now I'm even more outside, not even in the province. Conversations become more of a sum-up of things that have happened, rather than the everyday stories that cross your mind. You struggle on the phone to talk about the most important things, rather than just enjoying the conversation. It's a difficult thing - moving away.

And I don't know how to end this, as I didn't really plan the beginning.  I guess the only way to cope is to continue to make the effort, especially with my family. I think it's important for both sides of the coin to be willing to attempt to paint the best possible picture of things going on, so that neither feels left out. I have been trying to do that with this blog and yet even this blog only seems to skim the surface of my new life.

I'm not asking anything from you. Just thinking things through. And maybe you won't agree. And maybe you will. 

Our Ghetto Hick Christmas Tree

This Christmas, to save money, Jay and I decided to not do presents or stockings for each other. Therefore, it was imperative that we at least get a Christmas tree.

Last night we decided to go Christmas tree hunting. With the help of friends - Jeff and Ruth Anna we grabbed an axe and all piled into our truck.

Ruth Anna and I ready to go

Jay proudly showing off his emergency survival kit - super random stuff

Jeff - Fellow pilot and tree hunting expert

Nobody around 

Jeff demonstrating his keen tree-spotting skills

Who needs a flashlight when you've got a truck. Man, I actually love this truck. 

creepy forest road

Never give Jay an axe

Jay jumped headfirst into the bush with his blunt axe and began hacking away

Meanwhile, Jeff had straddled a different tree and managed to wrestle it down onto the snow.

 A tree like this takes 2 men to chop it down, ha

Success!!

Then we drove further up the hill and came to a parking lot looking over Slave Lake. The Slave Lake cemetery also happens to be up there. Not creepy at all, right?

This hill also serves as a sledding hill and drops off right where Jay and Jeff are standing. 

My love and I

Embarrassing Jay with my silliness

 Now that we have the tree back at our place - how to stand it up?

Well if we live in a hick town...

What's more hick than this..

[side note: not all Slake Lake-eans have ghetto trees like ours. Jeff and Ruth Anna's is quite nice]

 Now that it's up - how to keep it from falling?

Of course! Presents (given to us by our wonderful fam) - nice to have something under the tree :)

First ornament to go on the tree was a big ball from Yates (Quinn, don't worry, yours is there too to balance the tree out)

 Christmas tree paper is so pretty

Ta da!

..And..with a box full of ornaments, by tonight this tree will be full!