I feel as though I am not really letting myself think too much about home. I skype my family and friends and want to know what's going on in their lives, and yet I don't allow my thoughts to linger on things that I am missing out on right now. I am afraid if I do, that I will be bowled over by a weight of loneliness and sadness - this sense that I am missing out on so much.
I am happy to be here. I am thankful for a warm house, a truck, new friends, friendly churches, and potential places to share my music. But these things don't warm me the way home does. Thinking about this Christmas, when my family is all together on Christmas day, just delighting in each other's company and the security that being with your family brings - it makes me feel sad. I know whatever we do here will be an attempt at that, and I just know it won't hold the same weight.
I feel as though back home is another world. Being present here, I can't be in both worlds at the same time. I can hear about what's going on in that world and connect with people there, but each story they tell is missing me as a part of it. I imagine my family and Jay's family may feel similarly. That the life Jay and I are creating for ourselves over here is something that they are catching glimpses here and there of, but that they are not really part of. It's quite a sad thought.
I felt when I moved from Ontario that I knew what friends would fade out of my life and which ones would stick along for the ride. I can say that because I've moved before and when you're the one always trying to keep the relationship up, it's hard. When you're the one who's moved away and suddenly your stories are no longer relevant to them and their inside jokes don't make sense. And when you push out a laugh and they sense that you don't quite know what they are talking about - they begin a little by little to let you go. I struggled with that for awhile when we first moved from South Carolina until someone wise told me that God gives us different friends to meet different needs, within different seasons. Once I accepted that I was able to let go of those friendships quite easily.
Thus, with this move I feel as though my sense of home is not pending on my friends' missing me or not, or how they show it. I feel like I know the friends that will fade out and I'm ok with that. This is where family becomes so much more precious. I know my family will never fade out of my life. It's a funny thing - family. There's no pretense or pretending that friends do. If you call and your family's busy, they just tell you, no offense taken or implied and you call them back. Friends tend to pretend that you mean more to them than you do. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular just stating generic thoughts about friends versus family.
I can't really sum this up as I didn't set out to make any particular point. Just thinking outloud in text. It's an adjustment in my life and I'm just working through it. When I got married and moved out of my parents' place, I had to get used to missing things. Missing all the funny in between moments that happen in family life, that set you off giggling and laughing so hard you forget why it's funny. The quirky things you see in your family that outsiders don't see. And now I'm even more outside, not even in the province. Conversations become more of a sum-up of things that have happened, rather than the everyday stories that cross your mind. You struggle on the phone to talk about the most important things, rather than just enjoying the conversation. It's a difficult thing - moving away.
And I don't know how to end this, as I didn't really plan the beginning. I guess the only way to cope is to continue to make the effort, especially with my family. I think it's important for both sides of the coin to be willing to attempt to paint the best possible picture of things going on, so that neither feels left out. I have been trying to do that with this blog and yet even this blog only seems to skim the surface of my new life.
I'm not asking anything from you. Just thinking things through. And maybe you won't agree. And maybe you will.
I am happy to be here. I am thankful for a warm house, a truck, new friends, friendly churches, and potential places to share my music. But these things don't warm me the way home does. Thinking about this Christmas, when my family is all together on Christmas day, just delighting in each other's company and the security that being with your family brings - it makes me feel sad. I know whatever we do here will be an attempt at that, and I just know it won't hold the same weight.
I feel as though back home is another world. Being present here, I can't be in both worlds at the same time. I can hear about what's going on in that world and connect with people there, but each story they tell is missing me as a part of it. I imagine my family and Jay's family may feel similarly. That the life Jay and I are creating for ourselves over here is something that they are catching glimpses here and there of, but that they are not really part of. It's quite a sad thought.
I felt when I moved from Ontario that I knew what friends would fade out of my life and which ones would stick along for the ride. I can say that because I've moved before and when you're the one always trying to keep the relationship up, it's hard. When you're the one who's moved away and suddenly your stories are no longer relevant to them and their inside jokes don't make sense. And when you push out a laugh and they sense that you don't quite know what they are talking about - they begin a little by little to let you go. I struggled with that for awhile when we first moved from South Carolina until someone wise told me that God gives us different friends to meet different needs, within different seasons. Once I accepted that I was able to let go of those friendships quite easily.
Thus, with this move I feel as though my sense of home is not pending on my friends' missing me or not, or how they show it. I feel like I know the friends that will fade out and I'm ok with that. This is where family becomes so much more precious. I know my family will never fade out of my life. It's a funny thing - family. There's no pretense or pretending that friends do. If you call and your family's busy, they just tell you, no offense taken or implied and you call them back. Friends tend to pretend that you mean more to them than you do. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular just stating generic thoughts about friends versus family.
I can't really sum this up as I didn't set out to make any particular point. Just thinking outloud in text. It's an adjustment in my life and I'm just working through it. When I got married and moved out of my parents' place, I had to get used to missing things. Missing all the funny in between moments that happen in family life, that set you off giggling and laughing so hard you forget why it's funny. The quirky things you see in your family that outsiders don't see. And now I'm even more outside, not even in the province. Conversations become more of a sum-up of things that have happened, rather than the everyday stories that cross your mind. You struggle on the phone to talk about the most important things, rather than just enjoying the conversation. It's a difficult thing - moving away.
And I don't know how to end this, as I didn't really plan the beginning. I guess the only way to cope is to continue to make the effort, especially with my family. I think it's important for both sides of the coin to be willing to attempt to paint the best possible picture of things going on, so that neither feels left out. I have been trying to do that with this blog and yet even this blog only seems to skim the surface of my new life.
I'm not asking anything from you. Just thinking things through. And maybe you won't agree. And maybe you will.
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