Thank you God.

Hey God.

Thanks for meeting me on the couch five minutes ago. Thanks for patiently waiting the whole day for me to come to you for what I really needed. Validation. Affirmation. A reminder that You've got my back.

I put you off until the last minute today. I tried really really hard to distract myself from how I'm feeling. I called some people I really care about and talked up a storm. I played with the boys. I did house stuff. I spent the afternoon working on a humpback whale design. I watched American Idol and cried when peoples' dreams came true.

And then finally, at the end of the night, I admitted to myself that it had been a day of feeling unfulfilled.

Brief in between moments with the boys gave way to putting the tv on, sending them to play outside, or do their own thing --because I simply didn't have the energy or desire to be full on today. It was a day of feeling frustrated and if I'm honest with myself - a bit of anxiety about the change that comes with tomorrow. But I didn't want to think about it, so I just focused on shallow distractions. I defintiely felt you nudging me today -

"Come spend time with me."
"Put that away."
"I've got what you need."

But ya know, I just--really wanted to do what I wanted to do.
So, finally at the end of the night I drew my feet up on the couch, grabbed my Psalm 23 study book, and opened the first chapter to read over old notes.

Verse 1 read "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

Phew. It was like this relief washed over me. Relief tinged with a grimace. Man. I have spent the day wanting everything and being satisfied by nothing. Even my beautiful boys - just about drove me up the wall today. And I don't think it was all on them. I know when I'm distracted, and not present with them, they work twice as hard to get my attention, not always in the best ways.

Oh boy...God.. I want...YOU. I just --need YOU. Your presence and your peace and your reminder that it's ok to talk about what's bothering me and just get it out.

I was reminded from this study book that You are..

..my portion (Psalm 16:5)
...my rock, fortress, shield, strength (Psalm 18:2)
...my light, salvation, stronghold (Psalm 27:1)
...my helper (Psalm 118:7)
...my refuge (Psalm 91:9)

God you are everything that I need and I just sooo needed that reminder.

Tomorrow represents a big change for me, for our family, for our time and it's something I'm really looking forward to. But I know there will be challenges and I guess, I was just kinda avoiding talking about it because I didn't want to acknowledge the loss that comes along with it.
I won't be with Isaiah all day long.
I won't be the one that puts him down for his afternoon nap and prays with him and gets him up and gets to snuggle him in that in-between sleep stage.
Other people are going to be speaking into his life and impacting his little personality, more than me now.
I won't be sitting waiting for Micah to get home from school so that we can have our "Micah and mommy time."
Only on Mondays as of tomorrow.

And that feels scary. Not scary because I don't trust the people I'm leaving them with, but just scary that I have opened this door and where is it going to lead?
But I remembered when I was talking to You about this tonight,  that this whole process has been guided by You and you walk ahead of me, and with me, and behind me.

I see it so clearly in how You've made a way for me to be able to walk Micah to school everyday, and the hours and the flexibility. I really couldn't have conjured up a better opportunity than what this is. I feel like it was tailor-made for me.  So thank you. For caring and making this possible.

I trust You and I'm so incredibly grateful that I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past 6 years. It's wild to think of the different opportunities that have allowed that. And yet, I'm just really craving to have some mental space, to do a job where I can give it my best and then come home and my time is my own and it doesn't bleed into time with the boys or Jay, or time for myself. I'm really looking forward to coming back into our home with a fresh energy.

I'm not naiive. I know it's gonna be busier and there's going to be different levels of stress but I think as long as I remember to prioritize time with You first each day, You'll give me what I need for the boys, for Jay, for my work, for me. When I'm tired or overwhelmed or stressed, You are faithful and patient and loving and grace-filled and I can just take what You give me and share it with whoever is part of my day.

So thank you for tonight and what you taught me and gave me.
I read this verse after I spent time in the study book and it felt so perfect for my role as a mom. No matter how hard it is being a patient, understanding, loving grace-filled parent, it is not for nothing and not in vain because it means everything to our boys just the way You mean everything to me.

Here's to a harvest of people who know that they are loved exactly as they are, and that You care so deeply about them and their struggles, their victories and failures and that they matter.
God I pray you help me be the kind of mom/wife/person who points people to You. What you have to give us can't be copied, or made up, or reenacted - it is purely what You created us to experience.

*Like You Love Us

God...somewhere along the way I lost sight of the vision for this blog.
It was never meant to be about writing for other people.
It was a conversation between You and me. A way of making sense of, and sharing back with You the profound impact You have on my life. Sorry for losing sight of that.

Let's get back to us.

....................
Today when I woke up, I opened my Bible app and the verse of the day was, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12.

When I read it, I prayed, "God, help me love the boys today with that kind of love."

....And then M woke up. And every single thing that came out of his mouth was accompanied by a whiny tone. Why does that tone make me feel so quick to be annoyed? In the moment when it happened, I thought - woah God - is this how I act towards you? And You said - yup.

M was annoyed because he was tired, and he didn't want the hallway light on. He didn't want to get dressed, or get up for school.  I tried to sound comforting God, but my voice was undeniably sharp. I know I was edgy. I didn't want to cater to M's bad attitude. We had limited time to get ready because I had let him sleep in a little. I was super annoyed by his push back.

But God you reminded me. 
This is exactly the kind of love that you give. It's patient. And it's understanding. And it goes above and beyond what we need.

I didn't want to help M put his clothes on, especially when his 3 year old brother got up quickly without complaining, got dressed, and was cheerfully talking about the day.

But God you reminded me.
Love doesn't make comparisons. You reminded me that M had a late night, and an early start and a full week of school  - and that fact was he was just plain overtired.

You reminded me of that Growth mindset quote I saw on Instagram about how as parents, we need to be our kids' calm.

So I figured, my fastest route to calm is putting worship music on, so I put on Lauren Daigle's "Love Like This."
Isa. had a meltdown because he wanted a different song that he heard on the radio but I was determined that your truth and your words would take precedence in our home this morning and in my heart.

Lauren's voice rang out over the house:

When I am a long night
You are the sunrise
When I am a desert
You are the river that turns
To find me

What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?

Your voice like a whisper
Breaking the silence
You say there's a treasure
You'll look 'til You find it
You search
To find me

What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
I cannot earn what You so freely give
What have I done to deserve love like this?

..........
God I clung to those words, and I felt their profound impact seeping into the depths of my heart.

I don't know what was going on with M but he was just sooooo angry this morning - to the point that I put my hands on his shoulders and said, "Look, let me pray for you and I prayed out loud over his heart, and his mind, and that these emotions that were so overwhelming." He pulled away from me and sat with his back to me, his arms crossed and his face angry. I literally was just trying to make his breakfast and get him ready for school - and all he wanted to do was anything but that.

But God you reminded me.
I am that willful, stubborn, whiny child. When I don't get my way, I rage and complain, and turn away from You God. I distrust that You have the best intentions for me. Sometimes it's because of things that are out of my control, sometimes its the aftermath of poor choices I've made. But you are relentless. You are faithful. And my conflict doesn't dictate or change your character or your profound love.

A love that is unconditional, unrelenting. You pour everything that You are and have into me and God I know that so often I completely miss out on that, because I let other things become all consuming.

We made it to school on time, walking and telling stories. There was laughter and it felt like all was well.  I decided when I got home that I would spend my time wisely today. Get done the things that I needed to do. Not waste time on social media. Resist the temptation to look at IG, fb, or my etsy shop. I decided to just be present in each moment. 

And then M came home from school and he was SOBBING uncontrollably and all I can say is - Thank you God that you prepared my heart for this. In that moment you gave me the wisdom of how to comfort him. I took him downstairs and he asked for a movie. I said, "Not yet, we are going to spend time together." I held him close, wiped his tears, told him how much I loved him, and we talked about the day and what had made him so sad. We talked about how being tired can make your emotions get SO BIG that you don't know how to handle them. I got him food and told him a story that made him laugh.
And only when he was calm and his heart was settled, then I put a tv show on for him so he could just relax.

That was You God.... You started my day with this challenge to love M in the way that You love us.  You showed me in my impatience what your love translates to for me. You gave me a taste of something that I wanted more of and today I refused to settle for anything less.

If I hadn't spent that time with You this morning, if I hadn't been mindfully aware of what You are doing in our home and my heart  - I know without a doubt that I would have just shushed M and sent him downstairs to watch a movie to calm him down. Because I didn't want Isa. to be woken from his nap. Because I wouldn't have wanted to deal with those emotions because they felt too big for me too.

But God you reminded me. 
Nothing is too big for you. And nothing is too small to escape your love and concern.
What have I done to deserve love like this? I don't know.
But I'm so so grateful.

Thank you. xo

Too Much Strutting

On New Year's Eve I did a painting class - online, with my mum. Painting is something I did in high school and growing up, but haven't really done in years. I've forgotten all the rules I learned in art and why you do certain techniques and what not. I've been wanting to make some paintings for our home that I can write Scripture verses on. But the thing is - they can't be crap. Because I have standards lol. 

So my mum and I were looking for something for us to do together (minus the kids) and this idea came up. We found "theartsherpa"'s YouTube channel, picked a painting of an ocean wave on a beach and we did it. 

The artist who was teaching was great because she reminded us to breathe, that mistakes are part of the process, and it doesn't have to be perfect, and that artists use multiple layers when they paint. So if you mess up - oh well - do another layer and fix your mistake. 

When we finished, we put them up on the fireplace mantle and stood back and looked at them. I didn't like my waves so I went back and redid them. Then - I was finished. 

And I was FLOORED. I CAN PAINT!

Maybe that sounds kinda crazy if you know me as an artist because I sketch a lot and have a felt art shop so it's not like I'm new to art or being creative. But ya know sometimes you say - I'M GONNA DO THIS THING! And then you try it and nothing about it comes naturally, or you don't actually enjoy it, or you realize you're just plain not very good at it. And I wasn't really sure if this was going to be like that. So when I sat back and looked at this painting that I created, I was ecstatic. 

So much so, that I couldn't get enough of this. I hung the painting in my bathroom (replaced a palm tree poster that I've had for years). I took photos and posted it to IG. I couldn't stop looking at my phone to check --  who else likes my art and thinks I'm an amazing painter? And every fb comment or Instagram confirmed what I was feeling so strongly. And every time I passed the bathroom and saw my painting, I would stop and stare and just think about WHAT AN AMAZING ARTIST I AM. I AM GOING TO BE AN INCREDIBLE PAINTER.  JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART. 

Then - I felt this soft nudge and a the Holy Spirit whispered a little thought  - a question really. 

"What are you worshiping here? The creation you made, or the one who created it to begin with?"

Ohhhh man....I paint one thing - that someone else literally taught me step by step to make - and suddenly I'm obsessed with myself and my abilities and who else can see these abilities. And I'm strutting around like this obsession and this admiration has suddenly pronounced an artistic goddess. YIKES!!!!! And to top it off, it didn't even cross my mind that God created the very ocean that we were inspired by in the first place. All I could see was me, me, me. And it was driving me to be consumed by others seeing me, me, my accomplishments. 

Phew. 

Sometimes you need a good God-slap. And He doesn't need to do it dramatically, it's just a soft small nudge and a little thought sometimes that brings you back to reality. 

I think for anyone - no matter your abilities or talents - it's so easy to get lost in them. And we have to be so careful because the reality is - they will not fulfill us. We can waste so much time trying to impress and win affirmations as a byproduct but when we do - it will not satisfy. 

Why? 

Because God created us and He didn't create us to be satisfied by that. 

Heck, He isn't even satisfied by that. 

Think about it. 

He created the whole world and then He chose to create Adam and Eve. Why would he do that - knowing the trouble that would come, and how it would change everything. He could have just sat back and enjoyed His incredible creation. Got totally lost in it, the way you and I get lost in a sunrise creeping up over the mountains. Sometimes we are so awestruck by the beauty in creation, we literally cannot move. Imagine you were the one that created it. Don't you think just being able to do that would be enough? 

And yet, God created Adam and Eve in His image and TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. Yeah, He wanted them to KNOW Him intimately- His love and his incredible intention, His beauty and strength and character and faithfulness. 

Maybe some people out there feel like they don't need to know God. That they can find rest and beauty in creation or relationships and that they don't need anything more. But what if - those things are taken away? What if you lose the physical ability to explore His creation, what if people who are your everything pass away, what if you grow old and can no longer do the things that you love to do - what then? 

Maybe then you will see that God has been there all along, waiting for you to fix your eyes on Him. Waiting to just pour His generous love into your life and your heart. To soften the ache in your soul and to grant you a peace - the kind of peace that doesn't flitter in and out of your life, the kind of peace that isn't dictated by money or abilities or having stuff or people - a Philippians 4:7 kind of peace: "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God longs to be in relationship with us. That's why He created us, that's everything to Him and He designed us to be made complete by that.  

For me - my biggest avenue of struggle in this sense comes from the creative stuff I do. I'm not particularly smart and I've never been the kind of person that wants to climb the corporate ladder or become crazy rich. Too much strutting comes into play when I share the following with people:

-songs I've written

-art I've made

-stories I've created

-designs I make to sell

These "abilities" are NOT bad things. 

They bring joy to me and to other people in my life. They allow me to bring life to ideas that I've been thinking about. 

I've written songs about God and my faith and my pain and my struggles and seen people moved by the lyrics, seen God use a song to be a blessing to someone. My songs have allowed me to heal from painful experiences or let go of things I was holding onto for too long. I get to convey the love I feel for the people in my life that have made an impact on me through the songs I write. 

Art has been my outlet ever since I was a kid. I love expressing the things I've been dreaming about, am inspired by and they allow me to tap into the childlike wonder that life has a way of bogging down sometimes.

Stories are my favourite way to connect with my kids and I love making up adventures and watching their eyes glaze over as they imagine the scene playing out in front of them. I can use stories for teachable moments and to share truth about myself, about Jesus, about life, and just everyday stuff everyone faces. 

I've made personalized pet ornaments for people whose beloved animal friends passed away. I've made baby mobiles for women who have been trying to get pregnant and are hopeful that this is the time their prayers will be answered. I've made ornaments for adults who just love this one thing and the ornament reminds them of that. And sometimes I just make pretty things that don't have much meaning but might be the perfect gift for that friend or loved one. 

------------

I think this is such an important post for me to write and acknowledge because I know that my kids will struggle with this too. I see in them a natural love for art, for music, a gift for singing and in this day and age when so much of our personal lives is lived out publicly on social media, I need to nurture a self-awareness in them. 

How can I model to them - living a life where I embrace the abilities I have but a) ask God to show me how to use them for His glory and to be a blessing for other people; b) don't get consumed by other peoples' gold stamps of approval; c) live a life that is full and open to the adventures that Jesus wants to take me on ?

I'm not naive. I can write this deep thought provoking blog post and then ignore God's nudging to spend time with Him. I've done it before and it'll happen again. But God is a grace-oriented God and when it happens and He gives me that little nudge, it's not one of condemnation and shame and Him expecting me to fail - it's a "Hey - I'm here, I love you, I'm thinking about you and I've got exactly what you need for this moment. Stop doing what you're doing. Come spend time with me and I'll show you."

That's what Jesus is all about. Plain and simple. 

When What You Want Isn't Enough

I used to keep a paper journal. I haven't in a while and recently got thinking and realized that this online blog has become my journal over the years. Kinda strange I guess, because it's out for the world to see. But I don't really write it with anyone in mind. I write to clear my head. To draw out the
thoughts that have been jostling about in my mind, and piece them together in a way that makes sense. I fuel a life that is busy and cluttered and often I'll read something in my Bible study that is profound and impactful. But if I don't process it through writing or discussing, it slips away and I quickly forget why I thought it was so important to begin with...
.....................................

After my last blog post about letting go, I went on a bit of a whirlwind journey.
 My husband and I went to Mexico, our first week long trip without kids since before the kids were born. It was an interesting week - relearning how to be together without the kids, and learning how to let ourselves actually relax. And there was an encounter there that really blew me away but I'll write a post about that another time. I took my study book "Psalm 23" determined to actually spend time with God.
Ironically, I had come to believe that the only thing stopping me from spending quality intentional time with God was that I'm a busy mom, always on the go, earning an income, taking care of my family, etc. While those things certainly make it a lot more difficult, to my surprise, when I had all the time in the world to spend with God, I found it just as difficult to "want" to carve out that time.

Turns out it's a matter of the heart would you believe? [sarcasm]

There was one night that I sat out on our room's little porch area, playing a voice recording of a song that I had started writing. The song, ironically, is about God calling me to spend time with Him, and how - when I obey - He reminds me of these truths:

"You remind me that I'm beautiful

You remind me that I'm loved

That you're walking with me through this darkened valley

And that God, God you are enough."

I sat there, singing harmonies along with the song,  and my heart felt so assured, so at rest and at peace. 

Why can we go from experiencing a closeness to God one day -- to ignoring His invitation flat out, over and over again on the next?

Because we let something else take God's place.

After taking a break from: Youtube, Instagram, Netflix, and Bored Panda (major idols for me) for a whole month leading up to that trip ---that the day before our Mexico trip that I started watching them again.

Mexico is our vacation. What's the big deal about watching Netflix? Going on Instagram? I'll tell you - for me - it equaled staying up too late, going back into the mindset of comparison and wanting what others have, and taking time away from what could have been time with God. A lot of people, I imagine, don't see it as a struggle. You deserve a break! You work so hard! A little Netflix isn't a big deal. 

All true statements. But for me, when I turn to those distractions, I find it REALLY hard to turn away. I binge watch, I binge scroll. And it's a ripple effect (in Mexico or at home). 

Turn on Netflix/IG to check out 1 thing = Just one more = Just one more = stay up too late = wake up feeling exhausted, moody = playing catch up during the day = every normal frustration, or upset is so much more overwhelming.

Granted in Mexico it was a lot easier to play catch up because I was only responsible for myself. But at home, the biggest thing I miss out on if I'm too tired to prioritize time with God in the morning and then I MISS OUT on things that God wanted to show me, to equip me for the day ahead. I've never learned something in the morning with God that was a waste. It always ends up being something that isn't just for me (for a friend as well), and it helps me put things in perspective in how I treat my husband, my kids, and myself.

When I let Netflix/Youtube/IG, etc consume my time, I get apathetic about time with God, time with other people, time spent on the things I'm passionate about. It's no small side effect - it has a real impact on me personally.

We got home from our trip and the apathy that had followed me to Mexico followed me home. I tell ya, I came home and my heart was so restless and I became so overwhelmed by anxiety about what to do in my life  - work-wise, purpose-wise, dream-wise.  I felt God nudging me to spend time with Him, but I pushed it aside and gave into worry. I had stopped the Etsy shop and income had slowed with my financial business because I hadn't done any new appointments. Suddenly, I was wracked by fear and a kind of alarm. I spent multiple nights in a row, staying up late researching freelance writing work opportunities. I've always had an interest in writing and I thought, "I gotta look into this!" But the search returned results that were peanuts for pay and I realized I'd be selling myself short to jump into something like that, and it would steal more time away from the story writing ventures that I am keen to do. 

In the "No Other Gods" study and (as mentioned in my previous post) - I thought that my main idol was the Etsy shop - and this driving urgent need to create. 

But this month with a change in income, I realized the real idol was two-fold:

1) Money. 

I never would describe myself as someone motivated by money. And yet, so often, it has the power to convince me that I should walk in one direction over another. Lack of it creates an overwhelming anxiety, and sends me into a spiral of "what-ifs." And when I have it, I want more. I want freedom to buy what I want, when I want. To live comfortably. But though it obviously has its benefits - money doesn't satisfy.

2) I want to feel important. That what I do is significant and noticed. 

This is a basic human want. Nothing wrong with it, in and of itself. 

 But to who/or what do I go to find that affirmation? The answer changes everything.

I think the only real danger of the Etsy shop is that is can become all consuming. That I get caught up in designs that take too much time and get overwhelmed and when my head is down working like crazy, I miss out on the things God wants to show me and do for me and through me.
In and of itself earning an income is a necessity. No doubt about that.

All of these realizations forced me to take a good hard look at how I was making an income (as a financial coach & the Etsy shop) and I realized both can be dangerous depending on where my motivation lies.

It gave me a lot to think about. And I'm still thinking about it and figuring it out. But in the past month I realized that the Etsy shop is not the enemy, it's just a distraction from me seeing the truth of what was really motivating me.

Now that I see it, I really feel the shop is something I can continue, AS LONG AS I don't treat it like it's a career. It's a side income - that's all it is. And if it starts to pick up and get crazy to the point where I'm brushing God aside then I need to hold it loosely or take a break until my head clears again. I can use it as an outlet to create, earn some money, be a blessing to other people - but it can't be my all and everything - it won't satisfy the way God does.