Too Much Strutting

On New Year's Eve I did a painting class - online, with my mum. Painting is something I did in high school and growing up, but haven't really done in years. I've forgotten all the rules I learned in art and why you do certain techniques and what not. I've been wanting to make some paintings for our home that I can write Scripture verses on. But the thing is - they can't be crap. Because I have standards lol. 

So my mum and I were looking for something for us to do together (minus the kids) and this idea came up. We found "theartsherpa"'s YouTube channel, picked a painting of an ocean wave on a beach and we did it. 

The artist who was teaching was great because she reminded us to breathe, that mistakes are part of the process, and it doesn't have to be perfect, and that artists use multiple layers when they paint. So if you mess up - oh well - do another layer and fix your mistake. 

When we finished, we put them up on the fireplace mantle and stood back and looked at them. I didn't like my waves so I went back and redid them. Then - I was finished. 

And I was FLOORED. I CAN PAINT!

Maybe that sounds kinda crazy if you know me as an artist because I sketch a lot and have a felt art shop so it's not like I'm new to art or being creative. But ya know sometimes you say - I'M GONNA DO THIS THING! And then you try it and nothing about it comes naturally, or you don't actually enjoy it, or you realize you're just plain not very good at it. And I wasn't really sure if this was going to be like that. So when I sat back and looked at this painting that I created, I was ecstatic. 

So much so, that I couldn't get enough of this. I hung the painting in my bathroom (replaced a palm tree poster that I've had for years). I took photos and posted it to IG. I couldn't stop looking at my phone to check --  who else likes my art and thinks I'm an amazing painter? And every fb comment or Instagram confirmed what I was feeling so strongly. And every time I passed the bathroom and saw my painting, I would stop and stare and just think about WHAT AN AMAZING ARTIST I AM. I AM GOING TO BE AN INCREDIBLE PAINTER.  JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART. 

Then - I felt this soft nudge and a the Holy Spirit whispered a little thought  - a question really. 

"What are you worshiping here? The creation you made, or the one who created it to begin with?"

Ohhhh man....I paint one thing - that someone else literally taught me step by step to make - and suddenly I'm obsessed with myself and my abilities and who else can see these abilities. And I'm strutting around like this obsession and this admiration has suddenly pronounced an artistic goddess. YIKES!!!!! And to top it off, it didn't even cross my mind that God created the very ocean that we were inspired by in the first place. All I could see was me, me, me. And it was driving me to be consumed by others seeing me, me, my accomplishments. 

Phew. 

Sometimes you need a good God-slap. And He doesn't need to do it dramatically, it's just a soft small nudge and a little thought sometimes that brings you back to reality. 

I think for anyone - no matter your abilities or talents - it's so easy to get lost in them. And we have to be so careful because the reality is - they will not fulfill us. We can waste so much time trying to impress and win affirmations as a byproduct but when we do - it will not satisfy. 

Why? 

Because God created us and He didn't create us to be satisfied by that. 

Heck, He isn't even satisfied by that. 

Think about it. 

He created the whole world and then He chose to create Adam and Eve. Why would he do that - knowing the trouble that would come, and how it would change everything. He could have just sat back and enjoyed His incredible creation. Got totally lost in it, the way you and I get lost in a sunrise creeping up over the mountains. Sometimes we are so awestruck by the beauty in creation, we literally cannot move. Imagine you were the one that created it. Don't you think just being able to do that would be enough? 

And yet, God created Adam and Eve in His image and TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. Yeah, He wanted them to KNOW Him intimately- His love and his incredible intention, His beauty and strength and character and faithfulness. 

Maybe some people out there feel like they don't need to know God. That they can find rest and beauty in creation or relationships and that they don't need anything more. But what if - those things are taken away? What if you lose the physical ability to explore His creation, what if people who are your everything pass away, what if you grow old and can no longer do the things that you love to do - what then? 

Maybe then you will see that God has been there all along, waiting for you to fix your eyes on Him. Waiting to just pour His generous love into your life and your heart. To soften the ache in your soul and to grant you a peace - the kind of peace that doesn't flitter in and out of your life, the kind of peace that isn't dictated by money or abilities or having stuff or people - a Philippians 4:7 kind of peace: "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God longs to be in relationship with us. That's why He created us, that's everything to Him and He designed us to be made complete by that.  

For me - my biggest avenue of struggle in this sense comes from the creative stuff I do. I'm not particularly smart and I've never been the kind of person that wants to climb the corporate ladder or become crazy rich. Too much strutting comes into play when I share the following with people:

-songs I've written

-art I've made

-stories I've created

-designs I make to sell

These "abilities" are NOT bad things. 

They bring joy to me and to other people in my life. They allow me to bring life to ideas that I've been thinking about. 

I've written songs about God and my faith and my pain and my struggles and seen people moved by the lyrics, seen God use a song to be a blessing to someone. My songs have allowed me to heal from painful experiences or let go of things I was holding onto for too long. I get to convey the love I feel for the people in my life that have made an impact on me through the songs I write. 

Art has been my outlet ever since I was a kid. I love expressing the things I've been dreaming about, am inspired by and they allow me to tap into the childlike wonder that life has a way of bogging down sometimes.

Stories are my favourite way to connect with my kids and I love making up adventures and watching their eyes glaze over as they imagine the scene playing out in front of them. I can use stories for teachable moments and to share truth about myself, about Jesus, about life, and just everyday stuff everyone faces. 

I've made personalized pet ornaments for people whose beloved animal friends passed away. I've made baby mobiles for women who have been trying to get pregnant and are hopeful that this is the time their prayers will be answered. I've made ornaments for adults who just love this one thing and the ornament reminds them of that. And sometimes I just make pretty things that don't have much meaning but might be the perfect gift for that friend or loved one. 

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I think this is such an important post for me to write and acknowledge because I know that my kids will struggle with this too. I see in them a natural love for art, for music, a gift for singing and in this day and age when so much of our personal lives is lived out publicly on social media, I need to nurture a self-awareness in them. 

How can I model to them - living a life where I embrace the abilities I have but a) ask God to show me how to use them for His glory and to be a blessing for other people; b) don't get consumed by other peoples' gold stamps of approval; c) live a life that is full and open to the adventures that Jesus wants to take me on ?

I'm not naive. I can write this deep thought provoking blog post and then ignore God's nudging to spend time with Him. I've done it before and it'll happen again. But God is a grace-oriented God and when it happens and He gives me that little nudge, it's not one of condemnation and shame and Him expecting me to fail - it's a "Hey - I'm here, I love you, I'm thinking about you and I've got exactly what you need for this moment. Stop doing what you're doing. Come spend time with me and I'll show you."

That's what Jesus is all about. Plain and simple.