Let Go

Sometimes God has to make something so glaringly obvious that you just can't ignore it any longer... I'm waking up. 

My friend S who is an incredible artist shared this today...

It’s been a long time . 

Sometimes we consciously decide to take time away from things and sometimes life forces us, through circumstance, to take a breath, and walk, in a different direction for a bit. It was over a year ago that I was led away from the everyday comfort of my easel . The break wasn’t something I fully embraced , it was hard. It forced me to think about value , my value, my identity .

I have a deep desire to create and connect , to express things seen and felt in my soul; it is my narrative for processing a world that is in constant motion ; it is my act of defiance ; the quiet , slow reflection , the admiration for the details and all they tell me about how infinitely complex and fragile life is . The incredible thoughtfulness of creation. I am small in all of this , yet somehow significant. All of us are. I experience that in every drawing. I feel the love of my creator at my easel . The tension between my flesh and my soul , and the resolve. 

In the past year I’ve had to face the feelings that I should be somewhere by now .I’ve had to begin to process the idea of being okay with no visible progress ( internal progress is a separate thing ) on things I felt so passionately about . I am still trying to be okay with that, it is a journey of learning to linger in the space between here and there, believing without visibly achieving. 

I am returning to my easel with a bit of a different perspective as I reconnect . It has always been a gift to sit and draw . A gift of time and space, that I carry even more closely to my heart .

Reading this....just wow God.  I've wrestled with God asking me to step back from my Etsy shop for over a year now. As in - "put it on vacation mode and LEAVE it there until God says - pick it back up."

 My identity is wrapped up so much in creating. It is my escape, my safe place. And yet, having the shop - if I'm honest with myself - has made creating become about me, not about God. In and of itself- there's absolutely nothing wrong with creating an income from something that you love to do. For me personally, though, it has been a gateway to other struggles. The pull of social media, the need to constantly be sharing what I am doing, and the obsession with needing to feel seen and affirmed and appreciated for what I create. The little bits of income that come in that make me feel like this is worth pursuing. 

I feel as though God has been trying to start a journey with me and I get all excited, pack my things, and then look behind me and am suddenly struck with all my doubts, and reasons why not to head out on this journey. OR I start the journey again (by putting the shop on vacation mode) only to stop and let it take back over me again. It's crazy thinking because the shop doesn't really provide much income. That's the excuse I tell myself, but really it's become this idol in my life. 

I've been doing a study called "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. 

In it she calls our attention to the verse:

"I am the LORD you God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me." - Exodus 20:1-2

She shared a quote: "An idol is something other than God that we set our hearts on (Luke 12:29; 1 Cor. 10:19), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4:5), that masters and rules us (Psalm 119:133; Eph. 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isaiah. 42:17; Matt. 6:24; Luke 12:4-5).." - Ken Sande

READ THAT AGAIN. 

When I started this study I felt that God was going to ask me again to put the shop aside. But I wasn't ready. So... I compromised. I took all of the made-to-order listings out of my shop, and just left what was in stock (ornaments, mobiles, craft kits and sewing patterns). But in my heart I had this image in my mind of a tent, with an idol in it. And I knew that I hadn't actually taken the idol out, all I had done was put it in the back corner of my tent. And both God and I knew it was still there. And more than that, because it was there, I would go every day to look at it, to admire it. To remind myself of how it made me feel good, about myself, about my accomplishments. And when I made a sale of something in stock, I told myself this is why I kept it open. I can be free to create what I want, when I want, and not have the pressure of custom orders. But truthfully, it had become about glorifying me, not about glorifying God.

My other friend - R - today spoke to this exact statement. She had posted a link to some beautiful calendars that she has created with paintings and scripture. I reached out to see what had prompted her to follow this path. I was curious because she is an artist and artists can create anything they want. So why had she decided to specifically focus on scriptural designs? This is a little bit of what she said. 

I had felt that God had gifted me with the skill of art, and sharing His word would be a way to glorify Him and share His word. Over the last year and a half, I've been re-evaluating what I want to be creating. I was starting to feel burnt out by calligraphy and watercolour and felt a pulling/longing to paint a different way....I have narrowed down what I'm wanting to go forward with. Pieces that will be named with influence from God. Either praises, scripture, reminders of who He created us to be, etc. I've been working on sketches and creating a list of titles. I've been hearing them (either at church, lyrics, etc) and can start to visualize paintings from those titles. So while I don't have time to paint now, I am prepared for when I can....I'm going to paint to  I'll list [the paintings] when I have collections, but also be ok if they don't sell right away. I need to just paint because God created me to paint. He didn't create me to sell. 

So profound. God didn't create me to sell. He created me to paint. 

You know, I believe that God really wants the best for us. I don't think He's out to deny us the gifts that He placed in us. But what I do believe is that He wants us to put Him first - ahead of everything that demands our hearts, our motivations, . I'm choosing to believe that by stepping out in faith and obeying Him, that He is going to blow me out of the water. Maybe He will give this back to me down the road. Maybe He won't. I don't know. But if God is the one that I set my heart on, that motivates me, that rules me, that I trust, fear (out of a respectful reverence) and serve - how can I possibly go wrong? He created me. He has a plan for me. He knows exactly what He's calling me towards. It might not be a glaringly obvious thing and that I will likely find hard. But if God is for us, who is against us?

I'll end with another thought from my friend - S. 

I had this profound moment one day last year in the dead of winter alone outside with tears in my eyes . It felt like everything I had put my value in was being challenged and stripped away . I thought , well if we cannot place value in things that change , where is my value ? The answer was simple but important , I have innate value , I have value because I am , because God created me . That’s it , no strings attached , nothing earned . We know this superficially as Christian’s and yet I didn’t know it deep down inside , until I had very little to cling to. I am learning to let go , it is hard . My flesh wants to pursue pursue pursue. But know that God has a greater plan if I just let go .

Let go and let God move. xo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FymxITRBBr4 

You Make Me Brave

When I was in PEI this past summer, I took a walk on the beach by myself and discovered something very disconcerting.....fear.

Let me take a step back and say that I LOVE the beach. I grew up in South Carolina and the beach is somewhere I have always felt free. I'm no runner, but I love to run barefeet on the beach. As a teenager-young adult, my favourite thing to do was arm myself with nothing but a notepad and a guitar, and find some obscure rock to perch on along Folly Beach (in Charleston, SC) and write whatever came to mind. The words would often fly onto the page, my mind was so full, so inspired by the beauty around me.

One of the days in PEI, I took some time to sit on the edge of one of the cliffs, feet dangling, wind whipping at my hair, and a notebook in hand. Without a guitar I just wrote words that came to mind and this is what I wrote:

She's a wild sea child and there's nothing that she lacks
She finds her peace on the cliffs
with the wind at her back
She craves the open sky
the ocean breeze
She feels it call her name
It's as if time is standing still
And she's found her home again.
(August 2018)

But as I made my way down onto the abandoned beach, barefoot, I sensed something following me. It was this shadow of a feeling that I couldn't quite shake. The shape of fear.
I shook it off and stepped out onto the jagged rocks. A wave crashed suddenly against the shore and I jumped, and a feeling of intense fear washed over me. It was shockingly stark to the beauty in front of me.

I took a deep breath.......... and looked out on the ocean. But the water had changed. It looked darker. The waves seemed heavier and I suddenly felt as if I couldn't breathe. I ran lightly back to the stairs at the bottom of the cliff. What was wrong with me?

And it hit me. I was facing my fear. Not fear of anything particular - but the emotion itself. Up on the cliff, back inside the house, home in Ontario, there were so many distractions to take my mind off fear. Social media, kids, family, friends. I could change the subject, put on some worship music, pour myself into a new task, focus on everything BUT fear.

Fear isn't new.
I have faced and fought and won over fears in my life before. Fears that held me captive in a state of mind, fears that made me want to hurt myself, made me want to run away, fears that told me life could never be what I wanted it to be, that made me doubt myself and people I loved.
The only thing for me that has managed to break fear's spell on me - is the voice of truth - of Jesus. When you listen to a song and hear God declare His incredible love for you, His intentional design of you, and the grace that paves the way to seeing yourself how He created you to be. Man that voice blows fear out of the water. There's a verse early on in my marriage that really hit home
-"God has not given us a spirit of fear - but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

Turns out fear doesn't give up. It's a very persistent emotion. You win the battle in one area, it pops up in another. Kind of like a weed, I guess. And on this particular day on the beach - it was extremely disconcerting fear - to feel at peace above the beach on the cliffs and such fear down on the shore by the water.

Today at church band practice - fear popped its head up again. "I think you should lead this song," said Darrell, my pastor. Wait------what?

I don't have the voice for leading.
I don't know this song that well.
I can't do this.
I don't know what I'm doing.
There's definitely someone who can do this song more justice - it needs a powerful voice.

Guess what the song is called - "You make me brave." - Bethel Music & Amanda Cook
Have you heard this song? Here's the link .

You may get lost in the power of this song and not make it back here. No hard feelings. It's incredible.
Leading this song? Terrifying.

Check out the lyrics....

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

Cause You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

................

Re-reading over my excuses, they sound all too familiar. I'm pretty sure this reaction shows up in the Bible....almost every time God asks someone to do something.
Something different.
Something new.
Something out of their comfort zone.
Something that fills them with fear. The kind of fear that feels paralyzing.

No lie. During practice today, as soon as I started singing the part "You make me brave," I felt so overwhelmed with emotion. Like God - can I even sing this song without crying.

I decided something. I'm going to do it.
And my prayer is this. That God would use it to blow fear out of the water Sunday morning. That anyone who has walked in feeling like a fear is dogging their steps, that they can't move forward or backward, or maybe feel like Jesus has put something or someone on their heart and they've been ignoring it because it's far too terrifying - that God would meet them right where they're at.

I know that God has given me a voice and he can give me the courage.
He's brought me such a long way you wouldn't recognize the old me.
Let me paint you a picture.

~Third or fourth grade, I got a singing part in a play that I didn't audition for. I cried and begged them not to make me do it.
~I spent every day of middle and high school doing my best to be invisible. For fear of being singled out, looked at. I had absolutely no desire to get up in front of everyone.
~My high school graduation I puked beforehand and spent the whole ceremony chugging water (to be fair, there were 1000 people graduating in my class).
~But God had planted this love for music in me. And so behind closed doors, I wrote and I sang.
And then some chances came to play.
~I would play my songs wearing a hat, a hoodie, cover myself up to the best of my ability, and with hands and voice shaking play my songs.
~Someone shared the impact of the lyrics and I began to see that it was so much bigger than me. And I started to play more and write more.
~And now I see my kids have the same gifts planted in them and I want to model courage to them. I want to write about it and live it out. 
~ Leading with just my voice is a completely different ballgame to singing my own stuff. And I feel like just facing the fear of it is like stepping back in time. But the difference is now that I've lived out the impact of songs. And I know that when God calls you into something, it's because there's somebody that needs desperately to hear it, to see it, to know it for themselves.

So God - let this song be a blessing to our church this Sunday. Let it not be about anyone's gift or anyone's platform, but all about your grace and your immense love that eradicates fear in the most life-changing way possible. xox