Waking up

I feel as though I'm waking up. Like I'm lifting my head up above a fog that's been consuming me for the past while. I think I have raised my head up a few times, caught a glimpse of what I needed to see, and fully intended to act on it, only to get pulled back down by a mix of people needing me, and me wanting to be needed.

In December, I've been promised the gift of a baby. December 2nd to be exact. If that promise changes my hope and trust will continue to rest on God but my hope is it doesn't change. I am looking forward to this new season of my life for many reasons - the number one reason being that I can focus solely on being a wife and mother for the first time in a long time.

It took an argument with my incredibly patient husband to see what I've glossed over, dunked down and flat out ignored this past year - that I've put Young Life and it's needs before that of my husband's over and over and it's worn us thin in places that are so difficult to see within the fog. Places that my husband has patiently kept to himself. Whilst I've been in the spotlight serving God and others, he has been behind the scenes, faithful and understanding, steering this ship of marriage that we're on with a firm hand, caring for the practical stuff, and looking out for our future. Our future. I am so thankful we still have that, that my misplaced need for affirmation and righteous quest hasn't cut us off from that. We have a future with our relationship and with this baby to come as we enter this new stretch of life as parents.

Don't get me wrong - I believe that we are called to serve God and that He even calls us to put Him before our families. I think though, to be perfectly honest, I have put Young Life at times even before my relationship with God. Strange how something can be so linked to God and driven by it and yet in our human weakness we raise it up over God. Sometimes He uses something to gently remind us, sometimes He uses something bitter and difficult to open our eyes. I am so thankful for what seemed so difficult that has now shown me the truth of what I needed to see.

God has done EVERYTHING in Young Life this year. Not me. God has brought more leaders on board. God has drawn kids to Him through the message of Jesus. God has equipped leaders and filled them with strength when they needed. God has given them the tools to do the task He has called them to. God has strengthened our committee and brought financial donors on board. God has and is opening our community's eyes to the need for Young Life as a tool to spread the incredible message of Christ and what a friendship with Him can look like to these teens.

And now God is equipping us for campaigners - for regular Bible studies with the kids that really want to grow in their faith. He has provided a tangible resource to follow, people to lead and I see now how easy it could have been for me a long time ago to step back, to not overwhelm myself with this sense that I am needed, that I am the only one that can do what needs to be done. It was a role that I took on at first with great excitement, but at times it was a burden and instead of pulling back to let others step forward, I just pushed myself, exhausting every inch of my resources including my marriage in trying to take charge of things.

It is a graceful line to walk now - this transitional period - from being at the front of the stage to the back of the auditorium, cheering on the people that God is calling to carry this forward.
But the more I let go, the more I see how God has already provided leaders to carry this on and I trust He will continue to provide people moving forward. Blessed and grateful to recognize this in the midst of it. 

Filled to the brim with gratefulness.

Am thinking about my life right now and I just feel like I'm a cup that's been filled up right to the top - spilling over with a sense of God's faithfulness. Since leading us to Slave Lake God has opened some amazing doors in our lives and I can see how He has blessed us so clearly - with relationships, and opportunities but also how He has put people in my life that need someone to reach out to them, to be there for them, to help them out, that listen. When you ask God to open your eyes to see people the way He sees them - don't take it lightly. It's a weighty thing to ask and it's exhausting.

So many people are broken and hurting and struggling to see how God is present in their lives because of their pain and when you commit to following Jesus, you are committing to be His hands and feet - to be a tangible sense of God's comfort in someone's life. It is hard at times and overwhelming but when you are grounded and understand what it means to give stuff back to Him He gives you what you need to be able to do what He asks of you. Pray about it when you don't know what to do, or what to say, or how to speak into someone's life, ask for strength when you don't have any left for that person that needs someone to lean on, ALWAYS point people in God's direction because it's NOT you that doing it, it's God working through you and if you try to take credit you will also shoulder the weight of other peoples' pain which no person can handle.

What I'm saying is - when you give your life to God and choose to follow His direction - incredible things happen that you could not imagine. The kinds of people God will introduce you to, the opportunities that spring up to encourage people and be a source of comfort in their lives - I honestly can't think of anything more fulfilling. When we fixate on our issues our problems and go over and over them in our minds, we can drown in that self-absorbed state and not see the amazing things in front of us.

We always have the ability to build someone up, to call out the amazing qualities in our friends, to inspire other people - regardless of your situation you have this ability. It's a journey to discover it and ask God to show you how to let it unfold and it's a crazy wild adventure. Am so incredibly thankful. (If this inspires you, please do something about it, don't just read it and then scroll down to the next random status - ask God how you can encourage someone today that really needs it and look for that opportunity to surface and then take it! And then share it! And challenge others to do the same)

Equipped & Thankful (YL Leader Retreat 2014) - Part 3

Jan. 26, 2014 - Sunday

This entry will be short because I actually ended up missing the time of worship and Christine's talk. Had the opportunity to talk with a Calgary staff person - Eric Riddick and it was a good conversation.  We started with reminiscing about living in a southern state, progressed into discussing Young Life and it's tendency to draw in mostly white people, theories on how to reach different cultures and how to earn the right within those cultures, to how hard it is when God asks you to reach people that you either don't have a heart for, or are afraid of the challenges they will bring.

Personally, I have always had a heart for the rough-around-the-edges kids. But those are also the ones that are the toughest to share your life with - it requires more time, more patience, more compassion, and a lot more dependence on God. Funny enough, when we moved to Slave Lake, AB, I had my heart set on starting Young Life with senior highs. I felt that junior high age was too close to little kids and I have never had much patience for little kids. But as usual - when I surrendered 'my goals' to God, He turned my heart around to be open to starting with junior high kids. And it was an incredibly unexpected surprise just how easy it was to fall in love with this age group of teens. They have so much energy, they pull me out of my comfort zone and into new experiences in a really cool way, they allow me to be a big kid around them, yet be an older sister type figure when they are hurting or need encouragement. They alternate between highs and lows on an every day basis - they feel things so strongly - sometimes it's a roller-coaster ride - ha - but worth it. Sometimes I feel like an old fart around them but other times I'm one of them and it's an immensely rewarding feeling when they let down their guards and show you that you're important to them, that you're actually making a difference in their lives. I feel so blessed to get to spend time with both the SL junior and senior high teens - and I know God still has much in store for this town through Young Life!

But I digress, ha. Although I missed the last talk of the retreat, we still met as a small group to answer questions. So here they are (with group answers included):

1) What are the lies that you hear?
-not pretty enough
-if you live in SL, you need to drive a big truck
-not talented
-not cut out to be a YL leader
-body image struggles
-that if you mess up, God won't take you back


2) What is the Scripture that helps to counter that?
-if you mess up, God won't take you back: Psalm 37:23-24: The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way. Though he fall, he won't be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand.
-not good enough - Eccl. 9:10: Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.
-body image: Prov. 31:25: Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the days to come.

3) What can you take away from this retreat and how can you hold each other accountable?
-encouragement
-refreshment in the Spirit
-assurance that we are a good leader team

We didn't spend too much time on the last question but what we chose to do instead was, I believe, more valuable. I asked the team to take the time and share things that they'd seen in the other leaders, ways to affirm them, things that were appreciated about them. I shared that along with scripture revealing truths about us - it also helps to share things that we see to encourage each other. From what I remember these are some of the things that were shared.

Gloria:
-gentle spirit
-kind
-encouraging
-strong - willing to stay on with YL even though at times didn't feel sure of herself
-brave - tries things at RRC and in club out of comfort zone

Matt:
-loyal
-heart for God
-dependable
-great at engaging with YL kids
-gets out of comfort zone


Jake:
-really good at relating to kids, introducing himself, and connecting
-hard worker - gives his all
-kind natured
-smart
-willing to get out of his comfort zone and do talk

Jazzy:
-funny
-able to go with the flow; spontaneous
-powerful prayer - speaks with authority
-crazy fun side
-talented

Beth:
-strong
-committed - keeps going
-works hard
-passionate
-humble and love for God

Mal:
-talented - guitar/singing
-down-to-earth
-accepting
-really good at leading in YL
-love for God

Becky:
-gentle-natured
-kind
-fun bubbly side
-smile
-strong
-like an egg, and the egg has cracked (Gloria referring to our fun dance party, ha)

Brooke: (came along to check out the retreat)
-honest - says things like they are
-open with who she is
-kind
-willing to be fun and ridiculous
-strong

Katharina: 
-kind
-committed - sticks to what she commits to
-incredibly talented: guitar/singing
-loyal to her friends

We spent our last couple hours, even staying behind an hour after everyone else had left to finish sharing with each other. It was an incredible time of being open with each other and I felt, as we parted ways, that it had been a really great weekend. At some point during the weekend, God had taken away my feeling of illness and I had been able to really relax and soak it all up. I felt as I left that I was equipped and thankful for the great big gift that God had given us through this retreat. 

An Attitude of Stillness (YL Leader Retreat 2014 - Part 2)

Jan. 25, 2014 - Journal entry

[Worship]

Worship at this retreat has been incredible. I realize that I am starving for worship like this. Drums, electric guitar, acoustic, beautiful voices - the songs are ones that speak deeply into my soul, and the music floods my senses, I just don't want it to end. (I asked for the powerpoint of the songs after the retreat and these are the ones we sang.)

Songs:
How he loves us
Your love never fails
10,000 Reasons
Cornerstone
Deep cries out
Set a Fire
Freedom Reigns
Happy Day
Forever Reign

When we get back home I have a vision to start up a worship night. I am going to learn some songs, open up my home to whoever wants to come and just make it a time for pure worship. I know I have enough on my plate as it is, but this is something my heart is crying out for - songs that tug me right into your presence. I know that you have people out there God who are craving this too. I don't pretend to be able to play incredibly well but for now I want to just start with something and see how You grow it.

[We will not fear though....]

Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; He utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the LORD, how He has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.  Selah.

[Christine Woods - Speaker]

Christine shared about her son, Liam, who doesn't know how to sit still. Always moving, always distracted, it is a constant battle to get him to remember to put his jacket on. If Christine wants Liam to register what she is saying to him, she will call him to come to her. She then bends down, and holding his face between her hands, looks him in the eyes, and says, "Liam. Look at me." His whole body will be wiggling, he won't focus. "Liam, look at me." He looks into her eyes. "Liam, where is your jacket? Liam what did I say?" He will stare blankly at her, "Uhh." "Liam, go get your jacket. Now what did I say." His eyes will suddenly light up, "Go get my jacket."

We are like this with God.

[Speak, I'm listening]

Idea - if you really want to get to know your Bible, read a children's bible. It tells you story after story, simply. Christine pulled out "The Beginner's Bible". (I think we had this one as kids).

I don't remember exactly how it read, but basically, Samuel was asleep and God called out, "Samuel!" He got up and went to Eli. "Here I am, you called me?" Eli said, "I didn't call you, go and lie down." And God called again, "Samuel." Samuel went to Eli, ""Here I am, you called me?" Eli said, "I didn't call you, go and lie down." And God called again, "Samuel." Samuel went to Eli, ""Here I am, you called me?"And Eli realized it was God calling. He said to Samuel, "Go, lie down, and if he calls you, say, "Speak, Lord, I am listening." So Samuel went and lay down. God said, "Samuel." Samuel said, "Speak, Lord, I am listening." And God spoke to Samuel.

1 Samuel 2:21 - Samuel grew up in the presence of God. (similar to a busy YL leader)
-and yet Samuel didn't know God - didn't recognize his voice : we can be so busy for God and not know Him

"Be still before God." - not an action - it's an attitude

-when we get busy/stressed, we get hit with lies
(i.e. for me - you're not cut out to lead YL, you're not a good wife, etc)
-the only way to get out of that cycle of running around and being hit with lies, is to Be still before God. There are different ways of being still - music, nature, writing, sitting, running, God has different ways of making his truth known to us.

[Small group Q's] -my answers

1) What is the hardest thing about being still for you?
-letting go of all the things I want to feel that I'm in control of - by thinking about those things and making plans, I feel like I'm on top of stuff
-impatience at waiting
-always wanting to speak not listen
-the fear that I won't hear from God or that He will make me wait a really long time
-selfish desires to do what I want when I want

2) Have you heard God speak before? What did He say? 
In the first year of our marriage, I used to dwell on "what if's". My first boyfriend cheated on me and it had left me with this deep rooted fear of happening again. I became fixated on the idea that it could happen with Jay - even though Jay gave me NO reason to think that. My mind was always racing and I would start thinking of scenarios that could happen, bringing myself to tears in a matter of moments. In my mind I had Jay tried, found guilty, and convicted a 100 times or more. It was a cycle of lies that I got swept up in and it ruined my chance to be 'in the moment' and enjoy time with Jay because it was so destructive. My dreams started to be impacted by it - in my dreams Jay was apathetic with my trust, he would flirt with girls and when I questioned it he would shrug it off. I would wake up feeling hurt and betrayed even though Jay was sleeping soundly beside me totally unaware of my emotions. In real life, Jay was about as opposite as you can get of my fears. He strove to honour me in what he watched, how he lived, he had no interest in flirting with other women, he gave me all the attention and respect that he could muster. But these lies continued to strip me of seeing things clearly. They would batter my thoughts subconsciously even when I wasn't directing my thoughts at them.

One night I was in bed reading and God gave me this verse, "The Spirit of the Lord is not a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I had heard it before but this time it struck a chord with me. God told me (not in an audible voice, but in the thoughts He brought to mind) - these lies you're entertaining, this is not evidence of a sound mind but a spirit of fear. You are no longer bound by the spirit of fear because of Jesus.

It was like this heavy weight just lifted from my shoulders as I realized the powerful truth of those words. Sitting in bed, I just felt like a fog had been lifted from my mind. This battle in my head was not truth - I didn't have to believe these lies because Jesus had conquered all of that through His death and resurrection.

Looking back on that moment I can tell you that night, that subconscious cycle of lies was obliterated when God gave me that truth. After that my thoughts just didn't even go there, there was no subconscious pull towards the fear of cheating. The only time after that, that I encountered those lies, it was just one or two fleeting ones that would skip past the surface of my mind, after I saw a movie that encouraged cheating, or had a bad dream. That particular cycle of lies no longer had a hold on me.

3) How can you incorporate 'being still' into your life?
For me, being still looks like taking time in the morning before God. It is a discipline that I have struggled with all my life. I revere sleep over it and so often I choose selfishness, but when I start getting into the habit of making that time in the morning, it changes my whole day, the way I see things, the way I care about people (tuned into God's heart for them). Reading my Bible in the morning gives me truth to cling to no matter what comes my way.
Another way of being still is to play worship music with my guitar. I'm not really that good at other peoples' songs so it's a humbling slow experience but sometimes I'll just play the same three chords and sing praises to God and I feel such a sense of His presence and peace through that.
Another way - that actually involves silence is to take my camera and go for "a date with God." Basically I just take the time to capture details with my camera. I find through this I gain a sense of awe at God in the details, at who He is as a creator, at the intricate nature of His creation whether it's two leaves curled against each other to keep warm in the dead of winter, a string of dew drops on a tiny spider web, the sun dipping low on the horizon, or lying down in a patch of tall grass that bend and sway in the breeze. I feel God so strongly through nature and taking my camera allows me to get in close and truly see Him.

In His Embrace (YL Leader Retreat 2014) - Part 1

[Thankful]

God I am so grateful to you. What you put into motion this weekend was a beautiful thing. The act of describing all that unfolded is a great one, but I will do my best because I want to give the glory back to You in this way.

I just got back from a Young Life Leader Retreat (Jan 24-26th, 2014) at Camp Nakamun. 185 leaders from all over the Western Region came together to share in the joy of what God is doing through Young Life. It was a time of refreshment, beautiful beautiful worship music, drawing close to God, sharing our hearts and our struggles, learning, equipping, and experiencing joyful community. A team of nine volunteer leaders, including myself, journeyed from Slave Lake to see what God had in store for us this weekend. When I was praying before the trip, God gave me this image that this weekend was like a big wrapped gift and that He had so much to give to us - so much that we could take from this retreat.

[To go or not go?]

In my life, and probably in yours, whenever God is about to do something awesome - I get sideswiped with an obstacle. Sometimes it is a feeling of apathy that clouds my intrigue in what God has to say to me. Other times, something else requires my attention and I wrestle with the notion of passing up God's thing for that. I believe this to be a spiritual attack and the way that I seem to experience spiritual attacks before Young Life trips or events, is through a sickness. It comes out of nowhere, and the doubts start pouring in about whether or not I should participate. Luckily, in the past I have usually been main leader, and so I HAD to persevere and go regardless of whatever pain I was in. This trip was different - this was something I COULD have backed out of. It was a team of adults and they didn't "need" me to carry through on this retreat. But the beauty of this sickness was that God had actually prepared me mentally the week before to handle it.

[The context]

You see, for the past week or so, God had been stripping away my sense of dependency. My dependency on people for when I was feeling low, my dependency on TV shows and internet to distract me from feeling lonely, my dependency on my role in YL to make me feel valued and important. In a spell of a couple days - I experienced such a strong fear of loneliness - a fear that I had been blocking out and watering down by relying on distractions to fill my time. But when those distractions dried up - I was forced to face just how independent I had become in my relationship to God. It was a really hard realization but oh so good. And when I was hit with this bout of sickness - I was suddenly challenged to put into practice that realization and depend fully on God.

I KNEW that this retreat was a gift that God intended for me. I KNEW this sickness was not from God but an attack to make me doubt in God. But INSTEAD, I chose to cling to scripture. I couldn't take medication - my stomach was too sensitive. All I could do was pray. I felt like Job (on a much smaller scale) - and I decided to praise God in spite of how I felt. I still battled the idea of going to the retreat - not because of being sick - but because I didn't want to get anyone sick. God GAVE me the strength and determination to praise and trust Him in spite of how I felt. After wrestling back and forth with the decision, I decided whatever God had in store was just too good to pass up, and so I decided to go.

[Friday, Jan. 24th]

We arrived Friday evening at Camp Nakamun, walked into the lobby and there were a sea of smiling people. Something I love about Young Life is once you've connected with someone at a Young Life gathering - doesn't matter if it was a year or summer ago, the community is so strong, you feel instantly welcomed back in. It is an inclusive ministry - whether you are brand new to Young Life or have been around the block, as a teen, leader, staff, parent of a YL kid, or committee member.

After a few hilarious mixers (watching people try to stomp on each others' feet, imitate eggs, chickens, dinosaurs, and royalty) we were welcomed into the chapel to start the night's program.

[Worship]

The worship band was a mixture of leaders from different areas - with the lead singer - Chris - from Calgary. When they started to play the very first song, the feeling for me was incredible. You know when it's been a long hard day, and you are feeling parched and your throat is dry. You take a sip of clear crystal water and it feels like the best thing you've ever tasted. You suddenly realize just how thirsty you are and you just want to drink it in? That is how the worship at the YL retreat was for me.
Worship is something (that when done well) brings me right into the embrace of God. I can feel Jesus' presence so clearly through worship.

I have been thirsting for this kind of worship since I moved to Slave Lake. It was powerful, beautiful, amazing and I was drinking it all in. I could feel God's presence so strongly through the lyrics, and the music, and the Holy Spirit moving in that chapel. I began to cry as I sang - I was so thankful for God. I had walked into that chapel feeling fatigued, sick, drained, at a loss for joy and God just met me right where I was. I didn't have to muster up a false energy, I was able to just worship God with all of my heart and I felt that I was in His embrace so strongly. I could not keep my hands down - I just wanted to praise God with all of my being. A thought honestly went through my mind that if this was my last day to live - that I felt complete. Whole. Made new. Full. That is not a feeling you can just conjure up on your own. It was a God-given one and it was the beginning of the gift that He had in store this weekend.

[Speaker: Christine Woods]

Christine Woods got up to speak and let me just say how much I admire this woman. She is humble, funny, smart, kind, and incredibly passionate about her love for Jesus, her family, and Young Life.

This is what I took from what she shared...

-Her friend challenged her that she was living a lie. She did not understand and she felt angry with her friend because she felt she was so busy doing lots for God and her family and friends. She asked God if this was true?
God gave her 2 truths. He showed her that at one point in her life, she was running around in circles and too busy for 2 things:
1) being still before God
2) transformation through God renewing her mind

-Story of Martha and Mary- Luke 10:38-42
Jesus comes to visit and Martha is running around getting things ready and doing everything for Jesus whilst Mary is just sitting at his feet listening.

Christine pointed out - nowadays we don't sit at people's feet (it's kind of awkward). But if you were to sit at someone's feet, you would be really close to that person - you would be committed to hearing what they are saying. You would be engaged.

Martha walked up to Jesus and said "Lord, don't you care that I am doing everything by myself. Tell Mary to help me!" (vs. 40)

Jesus' response was "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed - or indeed, only one. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her." (vs. 41-42)

1) Jesus says only one thing is essential (vs. 42)
2) Jesus has Mary's full attention

Christine read a quote about what it means to pay attention. It means to be fully present in the moment - so much so that you experience things to a much deeper level.

[Small groups]

After the talk, each area got together to discuss questions. These were the first questions and the answers that our SL team came up with:

1) Why do we glorify being busy so much?
-sense of success
-don't want to appear lazy
-want to seem like we have important things to do
-a way to not have to engage with people/care about what is going on with them (i.e "How are you?" "Busy" = end of a conversation).

2) What distracts you? What's the biggest distraction in your life?
-people
-fb
-phone
-sleep
-always thinking
-feeling tired
-making up lists of things we need to get done

3) How would your life look different if God had your full attention?
- be more at peace - less stressed
- would be able to give more - probably wouldn't be as distracted
-probably would be healthier lifestyle wise - wouldn't be rushing from one thing to the next
-might be used by God in more ways - because of being open to His direction more

All in all - Day 1 was a really great start to the retreat. Thank you God for the first part of this gift.