Hey God.
Thanks for meeting me on the couch five minutes ago. Thanks for patiently waiting the whole day for me to come to you for what I really needed. Validation. Affirmation. A reminder that You've got my back.
I put you off until the last minute today. I tried really really hard to distract myself from how I'm feeling. I called some people I really care about and talked up a storm. I played with the boys. I did house stuff. I spent the afternoon working on a humpback whale design. I watched American Idol and cried when peoples' dreams came true.
And then finally, at the end of the night, I admitted to myself that it had been a day of feeling unfulfilled.
Brief in between moments with the boys gave way to putting the tv on, sending them to play outside, or do their own thing --because I simply didn't have the energy or desire to be full on today. It was a day of feeling frustrated and if I'm honest with myself - a bit of anxiety about the change that comes with tomorrow. But I didn't want to think about it, so I just focused on shallow distractions. I defintiely felt you nudging me today -
"Come spend time with me."
"Put that away."
"I've got what you need."
But ya know, I just--really wanted to do what I wanted to do.
So, finally at the end of the night I drew my feet up on the couch, grabbed my Psalm 23 study book, and opened the first chapter to read over old notes.
Verse 1 read "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."
Phew. It was like this relief washed over me. Relief tinged with a grimace. Man. I have spent the day wanting everything and being satisfied by nothing. Even my beautiful boys - just about drove me up the wall today. And I don't think it was all on them. I know when I'm distracted, and not present with them, they work twice as hard to get my attention, not always in the best ways.
Oh boy...God.. I want...YOU. I just --need YOU. Your presence and your peace and your reminder that it's ok to talk about what's bothering me and just get it out.
I was reminded from this study book that You are..
..my portion (Psalm 16:5)
...my rock, fortress, shield, strength (Psalm 18:2)
...my light, salvation, stronghold (Psalm 27:1)
...my helper (Psalm 118:7)
...my refuge (Psalm 91:9)
God you are everything that I need and I just sooo needed that reminder.
Tomorrow represents a big change for me, for our family, for our time and it's something I'm really looking forward to. But I know there will be challenges and I guess, I was just kinda avoiding talking about it because I didn't want to acknowledge the loss that comes along with it.
I won't be with Isaiah all day long.
I won't be the one that puts him down for his afternoon nap and prays with him and gets him up and gets to snuggle him in that in-between sleep stage.
Other people are going to be speaking into his life and impacting his little personality, more than me now.
I won't be sitting waiting for Micah to get home from school so that we can have our "Micah and mommy time."
Only on Mondays as of tomorrow.
And that feels scary. Not scary because I don't trust the people I'm leaving them with, but just scary that I have opened this door and where is it going to lead?
But I remembered when I was talking to You about this tonight, that this whole process has been guided by You and you walk ahead of me, and with me, and behind me.
I see it so clearly in how You've made a way for me to be able to walk Micah to school everyday, and the hours and the flexibility. I really couldn't have conjured up a better opportunity than what this is. I feel like it was tailor-made for me. So thank you. For caring and making this possible.
I trust You and I'm so incredibly grateful that I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past 6 years. It's wild to think of the different opportunities that have allowed that. And yet, I'm just really craving to have some mental space, to do a job where I can give it my best and then come home and my time is my own and it doesn't bleed into time with the boys or Jay, or time for myself. I'm really looking forward to coming back into our home with a fresh energy.
I'm not naiive. I know it's gonna be busier and there's going to be different levels of stress but I think as long as I remember to prioritize time with You first each day, You'll give me what I need for the boys, for Jay, for my work, for me. When I'm tired or overwhelmed or stressed, You are faithful and patient and loving and grace-filled and I can just take what You give me and share it with whoever is part of my day.
So thank you for tonight and what you taught me and gave me.
I read this verse after I spent time in the study book and it felt so perfect for my role as a mom. No matter how hard it is being a patient, understanding, loving grace-filled parent, it is not for nothing and not in vain because it means everything to our boys just the way You mean everything to me.
Here's to a harvest of people who know that they are loved exactly as they are, and that You care so deeply about them and their struggles, their victories and failures and that they matter.
God I pray you help me be the kind of mom/wife/person who points people to You. What you have to give us can't be copied, or made up, or reenacted - it is purely what You created us to experience.
Thanks for meeting me on the couch five minutes ago. Thanks for patiently waiting the whole day for me to come to you for what I really needed. Validation. Affirmation. A reminder that You've got my back.
I put you off until the last minute today. I tried really really hard to distract myself from how I'm feeling. I called some people I really care about and talked up a storm. I played with the boys. I did house stuff. I spent the afternoon working on a humpback whale design. I watched American Idol and cried when peoples' dreams came true.
And then finally, at the end of the night, I admitted to myself that it had been a day of feeling unfulfilled.
Brief in between moments with the boys gave way to putting the tv on, sending them to play outside, or do their own thing --because I simply didn't have the energy or desire to be full on today. It was a day of feeling frustrated and if I'm honest with myself - a bit of anxiety about the change that comes with tomorrow. But I didn't want to think about it, so I just focused on shallow distractions. I defintiely felt you nudging me today -
"Come spend time with me."
"Put that away."
"I've got what you need."
But ya know, I just--really wanted to do what I wanted to do.
So, finally at the end of the night I drew my feet up on the couch, grabbed my Psalm 23 study book, and opened the first chapter to read over old notes.
Verse 1 read "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."
Phew. It was like this relief washed over me. Relief tinged with a grimace. Man. I have spent the day wanting everything and being satisfied by nothing. Even my beautiful boys - just about drove me up the wall today. And I don't think it was all on them. I know when I'm distracted, and not present with them, they work twice as hard to get my attention, not always in the best ways.
Oh boy...God.. I want...YOU. I just --need YOU. Your presence and your peace and your reminder that it's ok to talk about what's bothering me and just get it out.
I was reminded from this study book that You are..
..my portion (Psalm 16:5)
...my rock, fortress, shield, strength (Psalm 18:2)
...my light, salvation, stronghold (Psalm 27:1)
...my helper (Psalm 118:7)
...my refuge (Psalm 91:9)
God you are everything that I need and I just sooo needed that reminder.
Tomorrow represents a big change for me, for our family, for our time and it's something I'm really looking forward to. But I know there will be challenges and I guess, I was just kinda avoiding talking about it because I didn't want to acknowledge the loss that comes along with it.
I won't be with Isaiah all day long.
I won't be the one that puts him down for his afternoon nap and prays with him and gets him up and gets to snuggle him in that in-between sleep stage.
Other people are going to be speaking into his life and impacting his little personality, more than me now.
I won't be sitting waiting for Micah to get home from school so that we can have our "Micah and mommy time."
Only on Mondays as of tomorrow.
And that feels scary. Not scary because I don't trust the people I'm leaving them with, but just scary that I have opened this door and where is it going to lead?
But I remembered when I was talking to You about this tonight, that this whole process has been guided by You and you walk ahead of me, and with me, and behind me.
I see it so clearly in how You've made a way for me to be able to walk Micah to school everyday, and the hours and the flexibility. I really couldn't have conjured up a better opportunity than what this is. I feel like it was tailor-made for me. So thank you. For caring and making this possible.
I trust You and I'm so incredibly grateful that I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past 6 years. It's wild to think of the different opportunities that have allowed that. And yet, I'm just really craving to have some mental space, to do a job where I can give it my best and then come home and my time is my own and it doesn't bleed into time with the boys or Jay, or time for myself. I'm really looking forward to coming back into our home with a fresh energy.
I'm not naiive. I know it's gonna be busier and there's going to be different levels of stress but I think as long as I remember to prioritize time with You first each day, You'll give me what I need for the boys, for Jay, for my work, for me. When I'm tired or overwhelmed or stressed, You are faithful and patient and loving and grace-filled and I can just take what You give me and share it with whoever is part of my day.
So thank you for tonight and what you taught me and gave me.
I read this verse after I spent time in the study book and it felt so perfect for my role as a mom. No matter how hard it is being a patient, understanding, loving grace-filled parent, it is not for nothing and not in vain because it means everything to our boys just the way You mean everything to me.
Here's to a harvest of people who know that they are loved exactly as they are, and that You care so deeply about them and their struggles, their victories and failures and that they matter.
God I pray you help me be the kind of mom/wife/person who points people to You. What you have to give us can't be copied, or made up, or reenacted - it is purely what You created us to experience.
