God...somewhere along the way I lost sight of the vision for this blog.
It was never meant to be about writing for other people.
It was a conversation between You and me. A way of making sense of, and sharing back with You the profound impact You have on my life. Sorry for losing sight of that.
Let's get back to us.
....................
Today when I woke up, I opened my Bible app and the verse of the day was, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12.
When I read it, I prayed, "God, help me love the boys today with that kind of love."
....And then M woke up. And every single thing that came out of his mouth was accompanied by a whiny tone. Why does that tone make me feel so quick to be annoyed? In the moment when it happened, I thought - woah God - is this how I act towards you? And You said - yup.
M was annoyed because he was tired, and he didn't want the hallway light on. He didn't want to get dressed, or get up for school. I tried to sound comforting God, but my voice was undeniably sharp. I know I was edgy. I didn't want to cater to M's bad attitude. We had limited time to get ready because I had let him sleep in a little. I was super annoyed by his push back.
But God you reminded me.
This is exactly the kind of love that you give. It's patient. And it's understanding. And it goes above and beyond what we need.
I didn't want to help M put his clothes on, especially when his 3 year old brother got up quickly without complaining, got dressed, and was cheerfully talking about the day.
But God you reminded me.
Love doesn't make comparisons. You reminded me that M had a late night, and an early start and a full week of school - and that fact was he was just plain overtired.
You reminded me of that Growth mindset quote I saw on Instagram about how as parents, we need to be our kids' calm.
So I figured, my fastest route to calm is putting worship music on, so I put on Lauren Daigle's "Love Like This."
Isa. had a meltdown because he wanted a different song that he heard on the radio but I was determined that your truth and your words would take precedence in our home this morning and in my heart.
Lauren's voice rang out over the house:
..........
God I clung to those words, and I felt their profound impact seeping into the depths of my heart.
I don't know what was going on with M but he was just sooooo angry this morning - to the point that I put my hands on his shoulders and said, "Look, let me pray for you and I prayed out loud over his heart, and his mind, and that these emotions that were so overwhelming." He pulled away from me and sat with his back to me, his arms crossed and his face angry. I literally was just trying to make his breakfast and get him ready for school - and all he wanted to do was anything but that.
But God you reminded me.
I am that willful, stubborn, whiny child. When I don't get my way, I rage and complain, and turn away from You God. I distrust that You have the best intentions for me. Sometimes it's because of things that are out of my control, sometimes its the aftermath of poor choices I've made. But you are relentless. You are faithful. And my conflict doesn't dictate or change your character or your profound love.
A love that is unconditional, unrelenting. You pour everything that You are and have into me and God I know that so often I completely miss out on that, because I let other things become all consuming.
We made it to school on time, walking and telling stories. There was laughter and it felt like all was well. I decided when I got home that I would spend my time wisely today. Get done the things that I needed to do. Not waste time on social media. Resist the temptation to look at IG, fb, or my etsy shop. I decided to just be present in each moment.
And then M came home from school and he was SOBBING uncontrollably and all I can say is - Thank you God that you prepared my heart for this. In that moment you gave me the wisdom of how to comfort him. I took him downstairs and he asked for a movie. I said, "Not yet, we are going to spend time together." I held him close, wiped his tears, told him how much I loved him, and we talked about the day and what had made him so sad. We talked about how being tired can make your emotions get SO BIG that you don't know how to handle them. I got him food and told him a story that made him laugh.
And only when he was calm and his heart was settled, then I put a tv show on for him so he could just relax.
That was You God.... You started my day with this challenge to love M in the way that You love us. You showed me in my impatience what your love translates to for me. You gave me a taste of something that I wanted more of and today I refused to settle for anything less.
If I hadn't spent that time with You this morning, if I hadn't been mindfully aware of what You are doing in our home and my heart - I know without a doubt that I would have just shushed M and sent him downstairs to watch a movie to calm him down. Because I didn't want Isa. to be woken from his nap. Because I wouldn't have wanted to deal with those emotions because they felt too big for me too.
But God you reminded me.
Nothing is too big for you. And nothing is too small to escape your love and concern.
What have I done to deserve love like this? I don't know.
But I'm so so grateful.
Thank you. xo
It was never meant to be about writing for other people.
It was a conversation between You and me. A way of making sense of, and sharing back with You the profound impact You have on my life. Sorry for losing sight of that.
Let's get back to us.
....................
Today when I woke up, I opened my Bible app and the verse of the day was, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:12.
When I read it, I prayed, "God, help me love the boys today with that kind of love."
....And then M woke up. And every single thing that came out of his mouth was accompanied by a whiny tone. Why does that tone make me feel so quick to be annoyed? In the moment when it happened, I thought - woah God - is this how I act towards you? And You said - yup.
M was annoyed because he was tired, and he didn't want the hallway light on. He didn't want to get dressed, or get up for school. I tried to sound comforting God, but my voice was undeniably sharp. I know I was edgy. I didn't want to cater to M's bad attitude. We had limited time to get ready because I had let him sleep in a little. I was super annoyed by his push back.
But God you reminded me.
This is exactly the kind of love that you give. It's patient. And it's understanding. And it goes above and beyond what we need.
I didn't want to help M put his clothes on, especially when his 3 year old brother got up quickly without complaining, got dressed, and was cheerfully talking about the day.
But God you reminded me.
Love doesn't make comparisons. You reminded me that M had a late night, and an early start and a full week of school - and that fact was he was just plain overtired.
You reminded me of that Growth mindset quote I saw on Instagram about how as parents, we need to be our kids' calm.
So I figured, my fastest route to calm is putting worship music on, so I put on Lauren Daigle's "Love Like This."
Isa. had a meltdown because he wanted a different song that he heard on the radio but I was determined that your truth and your words would take precedence in our home this morning and in my heart.
Lauren's voice rang out over the house:
When I am a long night
You are the sunrise
When I am a desert
You are the river that turns
To find me
You are the sunrise
When I am a desert
You are the river that turns
To find me
What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
Your voice like a whisper
Breaking the silence
You say there's a treasure
You'll look 'til You find it
You search
To find me
Breaking the silence
You say there's a treasure
You'll look 'til You find it
You search
To find me
What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
I cannot earn what You so freely give
What have I done to deserve love like this?
What have I done to deserve love like this?
I cannot earn what You so freely give
What have I done to deserve love like this?
..........
God I clung to those words, and I felt their profound impact seeping into the depths of my heart.
I don't know what was going on with M but he was just sooooo angry this morning - to the point that I put my hands on his shoulders and said, "Look, let me pray for you and I prayed out loud over his heart, and his mind, and that these emotions that were so overwhelming." He pulled away from me and sat with his back to me, his arms crossed and his face angry. I literally was just trying to make his breakfast and get him ready for school - and all he wanted to do was anything but that.
But God you reminded me.
I am that willful, stubborn, whiny child. When I don't get my way, I rage and complain, and turn away from You God. I distrust that You have the best intentions for me. Sometimes it's because of things that are out of my control, sometimes its the aftermath of poor choices I've made. But you are relentless. You are faithful. And my conflict doesn't dictate or change your character or your profound love.
A love that is unconditional, unrelenting. You pour everything that You are and have into me and God I know that so often I completely miss out on that, because I let other things become all consuming.
We made it to school on time, walking and telling stories. There was laughter and it felt like all was well. I decided when I got home that I would spend my time wisely today. Get done the things that I needed to do. Not waste time on social media. Resist the temptation to look at IG, fb, or my etsy shop. I decided to just be present in each moment.
And then M came home from school and he was SOBBING uncontrollably and all I can say is - Thank you God that you prepared my heart for this. In that moment you gave me the wisdom of how to comfort him. I took him downstairs and he asked for a movie. I said, "Not yet, we are going to spend time together." I held him close, wiped his tears, told him how much I loved him, and we talked about the day and what had made him so sad. We talked about how being tired can make your emotions get SO BIG that you don't know how to handle them. I got him food and told him a story that made him laugh.
And only when he was calm and his heart was settled, then I put a tv show on for him so he could just relax.
That was You God.... You started my day with this challenge to love M in the way that You love us. You showed me in my impatience what your love translates to for me. You gave me a taste of something that I wanted more of and today I refused to settle for anything less.
If I hadn't spent that time with You this morning, if I hadn't been mindfully aware of what You are doing in our home and my heart - I know without a doubt that I would have just shushed M and sent him downstairs to watch a movie to calm him down. Because I didn't want Isa. to be woken from his nap. Because I wouldn't have wanted to deal with those emotions because they felt too big for me too.
But God you reminded me.
Nothing is too big for you. And nothing is too small to escape your love and concern.
What have I done to deserve love like this? I don't know.
But I'm so so grateful.
Thank you. xo
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