Too Much Strutting

On New Year's Eve I did a painting class - online, with my mum. Painting is something I did in high school and growing up, but haven't really done in years. I've forgotten all the rules I learned in art and why you do certain techniques and what not. I've been wanting to make some paintings for our home that I can write Scripture verses on. But the thing is - they can't be crap. Because I have standards lol. 

So my mum and I were looking for something for us to do together (minus the kids) and this idea came up. We found "theartsherpa"'s YouTube channel, picked a painting of an ocean wave on a beach and we did it. 

The artist who was teaching was great because she reminded us to breathe, that mistakes are part of the process, and it doesn't have to be perfect, and that artists use multiple layers when they paint. So if you mess up - oh well - do another layer and fix your mistake. 

When we finished, we put them up on the fireplace mantle and stood back and looked at them. I didn't like my waves so I went back and redid them. Then - I was finished. 

And I was FLOORED. I CAN PAINT!

Maybe that sounds kinda crazy if you know me as an artist because I sketch a lot and have a felt art shop so it's not like I'm new to art or being creative. But ya know sometimes you say - I'M GONNA DO THIS THING! And then you try it and nothing about it comes naturally, or you don't actually enjoy it, or you realize you're just plain not very good at it. And I wasn't really sure if this was going to be like that. So when I sat back and looked at this painting that I created, I was ecstatic. 

So much so, that I couldn't get enough of this. I hung the painting in my bathroom (replaced a palm tree poster that I've had for years). I took photos and posted it to IG. I couldn't stop looking at my phone to check --  who else likes my art and thinks I'm an amazing painter? And every fb comment or Instagram confirmed what I was feeling so strongly. And every time I passed the bathroom and saw my painting, I would stop and stare and just think about WHAT AN AMAZING ARTIST I AM. I AM GOING TO BE AN INCREDIBLE PAINTER.  JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF ART. 

Then - I felt this soft nudge and a the Holy Spirit whispered a little thought  - a question really. 

"What are you worshiping here? The creation you made, or the one who created it to begin with?"

Ohhhh man....I paint one thing - that someone else literally taught me step by step to make - and suddenly I'm obsessed with myself and my abilities and who else can see these abilities. And I'm strutting around like this obsession and this admiration has suddenly pronounced an artistic goddess. YIKES!!!!! And to top it off, it didn't even cross my mind that God created the very ocean that we were inspired by in the first place. All I could see was me, me, me. And it was driving me to be consumed by others seeing me, me, my accomplishments. 

Phew. 

Sometimes you need a good God-slap. And He doesn't need to do it dramatically, it's just a soft small nudge and a little thought sometimes that brings you back to reality. 

I think for anyone - no matter your abilities or talents - it's so easy to get lost in them. And we have to be so careful because the reality is - they will not fulfill us. We can waste so much time trying to impress and win affirmations as a byproduct but when we do - it will not satisfy. 

Why? 

Because God created us and He didn't create us to be satisfied by that. 

Heck, He isn't even satisfied by that. 

Think about it. 

He created the whole world and then He chose to create Adam and Eve. Why would he do that - knowing the trouble that would come, and how it would change everything. He could have just sat back and enjoyed His incredible creation. Got totally lost in it, the way you and I get lost in a sunrise creeping up over the mountains. Sometimes we are so awestruck by the beauty in creation, we literally cannot move. Imagine you were the one that created it. Don't you think just being able to do that would be enough? 

And yet, God created Adam and Eve in His image and TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. Yeah, He wanted them to KNOW Him intimately- His love and his incredible intention, His beauty and strength and character and faithfulness. 

Maybe some people out there feel like they don't need to know God. That they can find rest and beauty in creation or relationships and that they don't need anything more. But what if - those things are taken away? What if you lose the physical ability to explore His creation, what if people who are your everything pass away, what if you grow old and can no longer do the things that you love to do - what then? 

Maybe then you will see that God has been there all along, waiting for you to fix your eyes on Him. Waiting to just pour His generous love into your life and your heart. To soften the ache in your soul and to grant you a peace - the kind of peace that doesn't flitter in and out of your life, the kind of peace that isn't dictated by money or abilities or having stuff or people - a Philippians 4:7 kind of peace: "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God longs to be in relationship with us. That's why He created us, that's everything to Him and He designed us to be made complete by that.  

For me - my biggest avenue of struggle in this sense comes from the creative stuff I do. I'm not particularly smart and I've never been the kind of person that wants to climb the corporate ladder or become crazy rich. Too much strutting comes into play when I share the following with people:

-songs I've written

-art I've made

-stories I've created

-designs I make to sell

These "abilities" are NOT bad things. 

They bring joy to me and to other people in my life. They allow me to bring life to ideas that I've been thinking about. 

I've written songs about God and my faith and my pain and my struggles and seen people moved by the lyrics, seen God use a song to be a blessing to someone. My songs have allowed me to heal from painful experiences or let go of things I was holding onto for too long. I get to convey the love I feel for the people in my life that have made an impact on me through the songs I write. 

Art has been my outlet ever since I was a kid. I love expressing the things I've been dreaming about, am inspired by and they allow me to tap into the childlike wonder that life has a way of bogging down sometimes.

Stories are my favourite way to connect with my kids and I love making up adventures and watching their eyes glaze over as they imagine the scene playing out in front of them. I can use stories for teachable moments and to share truth about myself, about Jesus, about life, and just everyday stuff everyone faces. 

I've made personalized pet ornaments for people whose beloved animal friends passed away. I've made baby mobiles for women who have been trying to get pregnant and are hopeful that this is the time their prayers will be answered. I've made ornaments for adults who just love this one thing and the ornament reminds them of that. And sometimes I just make pretty things that don't have much meaning but might be the perfect gift for that friend or loved one. 

------------

I think this is such an important post for me to write and acknowledge because I know that my kids will struggle with this too. I see in them a natural love for art, for music, a gift for singing and in this day and age when so much of our personal lives is lived out publicly on social media, I need to nurture a self-awareness in them. 

How can I model to them - living a life where I embrace the abilities I have but a) ask God to show me how to use them for His glory and to be a blessing for other people; b) don't get consumed by other peoples' gold stamps of approval; c) live a life that is full and open to the adventures that Jesus wants to take me on ?

I'm not naive. I can write this deep thought provoking blog post and then ignore God's nudging to spend time with Him. I've done it before and it'll happen again. But God is a grace-oriented God and when it happens and He gives me that little nudge, it's not one of condemnation and shame and Him expecting me to fail - it's a "Hey - I'm here, I love you, I'm thinking about you and I've got exactly what you need for this moment. Stop doing what you're doing. Come spend time with me and I'll show you."

That's what Jesus is all about. Plain and simple. 

When What You Want Isn't Enough

I used to keep a paper journal. I haven't in a while and recently got thinking and realized that this online blog has become my journal over the years. Kinda strange I guess, because it's out for the world to see. But I don't really write it with anyone in mind. I write to clear my head. To draw out the
thoughts that have been jostling about in my mind, and piece them together in a way that makes sense. I fuel a life that is busy and cluttered and often I'll read something in my Bible study that is profound and impactful. But if I don't process it through writing or discussing, it slips away and I quickly forget why I thought it was so important to begin with...
.....................................

After my last blog post about letting go, I went on a bit of a whirlwind journey.
 My husband and I went to Mexico, our first week long trip without kids since before the kids were born. It was an interesting week - relearning how to be together without the kids, and learning how to let ourselves actually relax. And there was an encounter there that really blew me away but I'll write a post about that another time. I took my study book "Psalm 23" determined to actually spend time with God.
Ironically, I had come to believe that the only thing stopping me from spending quality intentional time with God was that I'm a busy mom, always on the go, earning an income, taking care of my family, etc. While those things certainly make it a lot more difficult, to my surprise, when I had all the time in the world to spend with God, I found it just as difficult to "want" to carve out that time.

Turns out it's a matter of the heart would you believe? [sarcasm]

There was one night that I sat out on our room's little porch area, playing a voice recording of a song that I had started writing. The song, ironically, is about God calling me to spend time with Him, and how - when I obey - He reminds me of these truths:

"You remind me that I'm beautiful

You remind me that I'm loved

That you're walking with me through this darkened valley

And that God, God you are enough."

I sat there, singing harmonies along with the song,  and my heart felt so assured, so at rest and at peace. 

Why can we go from experiencing a closeness to God one day -- to ignoring His invitation flat out, over and over again on the next?

Because we let something else take God's place.

After taking a break from: Youtube, Instagram, Netflix, and Bored Panda (major idols for me) for a whole month leading up to that trip ---that the day before our Mexico trip that I started watching them again.

Mexico is our vacation. What's the big deal about watching Netflix? Going on Instagram? I'll tell you - for me - it equaled staying up too late, going back into the mindset of comparison and wanting what others have, and taking time away from what could have been time with God. A lot of people, I imagine, don't see it as a struggle. You deserve a break! You work so hard! A little Netflix isn't a big deal. 

All true statements. But for me, when I turn to those distractions, I find it REALLY hard to turn away. I binge watch, I binge scroll. And it's a ripple effect (in Mexico or at home). 

Turn on Netflix/IG to check out 1 thing = Just one more = Just one more = stay up too late = wake up feeling exhausted, moody = playing catch up during the day = every normal frustration, or upset is so much more overwhelming.

Granted in Mexico it was a lot easier to play catch up because I was only responsible for myself. But at home, the biggest thing I miss out on if I'm too tired to prioritize time with God in the morning and then I MISS OUT on things that God wanted to show me, to equip me for the day ahead. I've never learned something in the morning with God that was a waste. It always ends up being something that isn't just for me (for a friend as well), and it helps me put things in perspective in how I treat my husband, my kids, and myself.

When I let Netflix/Youtube/IG, etc consume my time, I get apathetic about time with God, time with other people, time spent on the things I'm passionate about. It's no small side effect - it has a real impact on me personally.

We got home from our trip and the apathy that had followed me to Mexico followed me home. I tell ya, I came home and my heart was so restless and I became so overwhelmed by anxiety about what to do in my life  - work-wise, purpose-wise, dream-wise.  I felt God nudging me to spend time with Him, but I pushed it aside and gave into worry. I had stopped the Etsy shop and income had slowed with my financial business because I hadn't done any new appointments. Suddenly, I was wracked by fear and a kind of alarm. I spent multiple nights in a row, staying up late researching freelance writing work opportunities. I've always had an interest in writing and I thought, "I gotta look into this!" But the search returned results that were peanuts for pay and I realized I'd be selling myself short to jump into something like that, and it would steal more time away from the story writing ventures that I am keen to do. 

In the "No Other Gods" study and (as mentioned in my previous post) - I thought that my main idol was the Etsy shop - and this driving urgent need to create. 

But this month with a change in income, I realized the real idol was two-fold:

1) Money. 

I never would describe myself as someone motivated by money. And yet, so often, it has the power to convince me that I should walk in one direction over another. Lack of it creates an overwhelming anxiety, and sends me into a spiral of "what-ifs." And when I have it, I want more. I want freedom to buy what I want, when I want. To live comfortably. But though it obviously has its benefits - money doesn't satisfy.

2) I want to feel important. That what I do is significant and noticed. 

This is a basic human want. Nothing wrong with it, in and of itself. 

 But to who/or what do I go to find that affirmation? The answer changes everything.

I think the only real danger of the Etsy shop is that is can become all consuming. That I get caught up in designs that take too much time and get overwhelmed and when my head is down working like crazy, I miss out on the things God wants to show me and do for me and through me.
In and of itself earning an income is a necessity. No doubt about that.

All of these realizations forced me to take a good hard look at how I was making an income (as a financial coach & the Etsy shop) and I realized both can be dangerous depending on where my motivation lies.

It gave me a lot to think about. And I'm still thinking about it and figuring it out. But in the past month I realized that the Etsy shop is not the enemy, it's just a distraction from me seeing the truth of what was really motivating me.

Now that I see it, I really feel the shop is something I can continue, AS LONG AS I don't treat it like it's a career. It's a side income - that's all it is. And if it starts to pick up and get crazy to the point where I'm brushing God aside then I need to hold it loosely or take a break until my head clears again. I can use it as an outlet to create, earn some money, be a blessing to other people - but it can't be my all and everything - it won't satisfy the way God does. 

Let Go

Sometimes God has to make something so glaringly obvious that you just can't ignore it any longer... I'm waking up. 

My friend S who is an incredible artist shared this today...

It’s been a long time . 

Sometimes we consciously decide to take time away from things and sometimes life forces us, through circumstance, to take a breath, and walk, in a different direction for a bit. It was over a year ago that I was led away from the everyday comfort of my easel . The break wasn’t something I fully embraced , it was hard. It forced me to think about value , my value, my identity .

I have a deep desire to create and connect , to express things seen and felt in my soul; it is my narrative for processing a world that is in constant motion ; it is my act of defiance ; the quiet , slow reflection , the admiration for the details and all they tell me about how infinitely complex and fragile life is . The incredible thoughtfulness of creation. I am small in all of this , yet somehow significant. All of us are. I experience that in every drawing. I feel the love of my creator at my easel . The tension between my flesh and my soul , and the resolve. 

In the past year I’ve had to face the feelings that I should be somewhere by now .I’ve had to begin to process the idea of being okay with no visible progress ( internal progress is a separate thing ) on things I felt so passionately about . I am still trying to be okay with that, it is a journey of learning to linger in the space between here and there, believing without visibly achieving. 

I am returning to my easel with a bit of a different perspective as I reconnect . It has always been a gift to sit and draw . A gift of time and space, that I carry even more closely to my heart .

Reading this....just wow God.  I've wrestled with God asking me to step back from my Etsy shop for over a year now. As in - "put it on vacation mode and LEAVE it there until God says - pick it back up."

 My identity is wrapped up so much in creating. It is my escape, my safe place. And yet, having the shop - if I'm honest with myself - has made creating become about me, not about God. In and of itself- there's absolutely nothing wrong with creating an income from something that you love to do. For me personally, though, it has been a gateway to other struggles. The pull of social media, the need to constantly be sharing what I am doing, and the obsession with needing to feel seen and affirmed and appreciated for what I create. The little bits of income that come in that make me feel like this is worth pursuing. 

I feel as though God has been trying to start a journey with me and I get all excited, pack my things, and then look behind me and am suddenly struck with all my doubts, and reasons why not to head out on this journey. OR I start the journey again (by putting the shop on vacation mode) only to stop and let it take back over me again. It's crazy thinking because the shop doesn't really provide much income. That's the excuse I tell myself, but really it's become this idol in my life. 

I've been doing a study called "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. 

In it she calls our attention to the verse:

"I am the LORD you God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me." - Exodus 20:1-2

She shared a quote: "An idol is something other than God that we set our hearts on (Luke 12:29; 1 Cor. 10:19), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4:5), that masters and rules us (Psalm 119:133; Eph. 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isaiah. 42:17; Matt. 6:24; Luke 12:4-5).." - Ken Sande

READ THAT AGAIN. 

When I started this study I felt that God was going to ask me again to put the shop aside. But I wasn't ready. So... I compromised. I took all of the made-to-order listings out of my shop, and just left what was in stock (ornaments, mobiles, craft kits and sewing patterns). But in my heart I had this image in my mind of a tent, with an idol in it. And I knew that I hadn't actually taken the idol out, all I had done was put it in the back corner of my tent. And both God and I knew it was still there. And more than that, because it was there, I would go every day to look at it, to admire it. To remind myself of how it made me feel good, about myself, about my accomplishments. And when I made a sale of something in stock, I told myself this is why I kept it open. I can be free to create what I want, when I want, and not have the pressure of custom orders. But truthfully, it had become about glorifying me, not about glorifying God.

My other friend - R - today spoke to this exact statement. She had posted a link to some beautiful calendars that she has created with paintings and scripture. I reached out to see what had prompted her to follow this path. I was curious because she is an artist and artists can create anything they want. So why had she decided to specifically focus on scriptural designs? This is a little bit of what she said. 

I had felt that God had gifted me with the skill of art, and sharing His word would be a way to glorify Him and share His word. Over the last year and a half, I've been re-evaluating what I want to be creating. I was starting to feel burnt out by calligraphy and watercolour and felt a pulling/longing to paint a different way....I have narrowed down what I'm wanting to go forward with. Pieces that will be named with influence from God. Either praises, scripture, reminders of who He created us to be, etc. I've been working on sketches and creating a list of titles. I've been hearing them (either at church, lyrics, etc) and can start to visualize paintings from those titles. So while I don't have time to paint now, I am prepared for when I can....I'm going to paint to  I'll list [the paintings] when I have collections, but also be ok if they don't sell right away. I need to just paint because God created me to paint. He didn't create me to sell. 

So profound. God didn't create me to sell. He created me to paint. 

You know, I believe that God really wants the best for us. I don't think He's out to deny us the gifts that He placed in us. But what I do believe is that He wants us to put Him first - ahead of everything that demands our hearts, our motivations, . I'm choosing to believe that by stepping out in faith and obeying Him, that He is going to blow me out of the water. Maybe He will give this back to me down the road. Maybe He won't. I don't know. But if God is the one that I set my heart on, that motivates me, that rules me, that I trust, fear (out of a respectful reverence) and serve - how can I possibly go wrong? He created me. He has a plan for me. He knows exactly what He's calling me towards. It might not be a glaringly obvious thing and that I will likely find hard. But if God is for us, who is against us?

I'll end with another thought from my friend - S. 

I had this profound moment one day last year in the dead of winter alone outside with tears in my eyes . It felt like everything I had put my value in was being challenged and stripped away . I thought , well if we cannot place value in things that change , where is my value ? The answer was simple but important , I have innate value , I have value because I am , because God created me . That’s it , no strings attached , nothing earned . We know this superficially as Christian’s and yet I didn’t know it deep down inside , until I had very little to cling to. I am learning to let go , it is hard . My flesh wants to pursue pursue pursue. But know that God has a greater plan if I just let go .

Let go and let God move. xo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FymxITRBBr4 

You Make Me Brave

When I was in PEI this past summer, I took a walk on the beach by myself and discovered something very disconcerting.....fear.

Let me take a step back and say that I LOVE the beach. I grew up in South Carolina and the beach is somewhere I have always felt free. I'm no runner, but I love to run barefeet on the beach. As a teenager-young adult, my favourite thing to do was arm myself with nothing but a notepad and a guitar, and find some obscure rock to perch on along Folly Beach (in Charleston, SC) and write whatever came to mind. The words would often fly onto the page, my mind was so full, so inspired by the beauty around me.

One of the days in PEI, I took some time to sit on the edge of one of the cliffs, feet dangling, wind whipping at my hair, and a notebook in hand. Without a guitar I just wrote words that came to mind and this is what I wrote:

She's a wild sea child and there's nothing that she lacks
She finds her peace on the cliffs
with the wind at her back
She craves the open sky
the ocean breeze
She feels it call her name
It's as if time is standing still
And she's found her home again.
(August 2018)

But as I made my way down onto the abandoned beach, barefoot, I sensed something following me. It was this shadow of a feeling that I couldn't quite shake. The shape of fear.
I shook it off and stepped out onto the jagged rocks. A wave crashed suddenly against the shore and I jumped, and a feeling of intense fear washed over me. It was shockingly stark to the beauty in front of me.

I took a deep breath.......... and looked out on the ocean. But the water had changed. It looked darker. The waves seemed heavier and I suddenly felt as if I couldn't breathe. I ran lightly back to the stairs at the bottom of the cliff. What was wrong with me?

And it hit me. I was facing my fear. Not fear of anything particular - but the emotion itself. Up on the cliff, back inside the house, home in Ontario, there were so many distractions to take my mind off fear. Social media, kids, family, friends. I could change the subject, put on some worship music, pour myself into a new task, focus on everything BUT fear.

Fear isn't new.
I have faced and fought and won over fears in my life before. Fears that held me captive in a state of mind, fears that made me want to hurt myself, made me want to run away, fears that told me life could never be what I wanted it to be, that made me doubt myself and people I loved.
The only thing for me that has managed to break fear's spell on me - is the voice of truth - of Jesus. When you listen to a song and hear God declare His incredible love for you, His intentional design of you, and the grace that paves the way to seeing yourself how He created you to be. Man that voice blows fear out of the water. There's a verse early on in my marriage that really hit home
-"God has not given us a spirit of fear - but of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

Turns out fear doesn't give up. It's a very persistent emotion. You win the battle in one area, it pops up in another. Kind of like a weed, I guess. And on this particular day on the beach - it was extremely disconcerting fear - to feel at peace above the beach on the cliffs and such fear down on the shore by the water.

Today at church band practice - fear popped its head up again. "I think you should lead this song," said Darrell, my pastor. Wait------what?

I don't have the voice for leading.
I don't know this song that well.
I can't do this.
I don't know what I'm doing.
There's definitely someone who can do this song more justice - it needs a powerful voice.

Guess what the song is called - "You make me brave." - Bethel Music & Amanda Cook
Have you heard this song? Here's the link .

You may get lost in the power of this song and not make it back here. No hard feelings. It's incredible.
Leading this song? Terrifying.

Check out the lyrics....

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

Cause You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

................

Re-reading over my excuses, they sound all too familiar. I'm pretty sure this reaction shows up in the Bible....almost every time God asks someone to do something.
Something different.
Something new.
Something out of their comfort zone.
Something that fills them with fear. The kind of fear that feels paralyzing.

No lie. During practice today, as soon as I started singing the part "You make me brave," I felt so overwhelmed with emotion. Like God - can I even sing this song without crying.

I decided something. I'm going to do it.
And my prayer is this. That God would use it to blow fear out of the water Sunday morning. That anyone who has walked in feeling like a fear is dogging their steps, that they can't move forward or backward, or maybe feel like Jesus has put something or someone on their heart and they've been ignoring it because it's far too terrifying - that God would meet them right where they're at.

I know that God has given me a voice and he can give me the courage.
He's brought me such a long way you wouldn't recognize the old me.
Let me paint you a picture.

~Third or fourth grade, I got a singing part in a play that I didn't audition for. I cried and begged them not to make me do it.
~I spent every day of middle and high school doing my best to be invisible. For fear of being singled out, looked at. I had absolutely no desire to get up in front of everyone.
~My high school graduation I puked beforehand and spent the whole ceremony chugging water (to be fair, there were 1000 people graduating in my class).
~But God had planted this love for music in me. And so behind closed doors, I wrote and I sang.
And then some chances came to play.
~I would play my songs wearing a hat, a hoodie, cover myself up to the best of my ability, and with hands and voice shaking play my songs.
~Someone shared the impact of the lyrics and I began to see that it was so much bigger than me. And I started to play more and write more.
~And now I see my kids have the same gifts planted in them and I want to model courage to them. I want to write about it and live it out. 
~ Leading with just my voice is a completely different ballgame to singing my own stuff. And I feel like just facing the fear of it is like stepping back in time. But the difference is now that I've lived out the impact of songs. And I know that when God calls you into something, it's because there's somebody that needs desperately to hear it, to see it, to know it for themselves.

So God - let this song be a blessing to our church this Sunday. Let it not be about anyone's gift or anyone's platform, but all about your grace and your immense love that eradicates fear in the most life-changing way possible. xox

Humble Pie & The Invitation

Tonight I ate a slice of humble pie.
And let me tell you - it was a heck of a lot more satisfying than the other things I gorged myself on today.

Yesterday I wrote a post on fb (posted here) about wrestling with something and God showing me that it all comes down to coming to Him with my questions.
I stressed the importance of spending time with God every day and I spoke passionately and fervently about the impact and the changes that I could see Jesus bringing about in my life because of making that a priority.

Those words never rang truer than they did today and I'll tell you why.

Let me paint you a picture of how today went. It's a picture of prioritizing everything but God and it didn't work out so well. (If you just came here for the humble pie part, skip to after the ......)

Woke up at 6am with Isaiah. Slept for an hour and woke up at 7am.
The perfect chance to sit down and spend some time with God, right? 
Wrong. 

Usually at 7am I've been doing my bible study time while Isaiah watches Paw Patrol before the craziness of the day hits,  but this morning I decided, "Nah, I'd rather sleep. It'll all work out."
Woke up at 8am. Crap. Micah has to be at school for 8:45. So me rushing around stressed, yelling orders pretty much set the tone for today.
Dropped Micah off and came home.

The perfect chance to sit down and spend some time with God, right? 
Wrong. 

I NEEDED to do some phone calls for work.
Guess what. They didn't go how I wanted. Which only made me more stressed and frustrated.

When I get stressed I usually do one of two things:
-eat anything unhealthy (in today's case it was bits of the gingerbread house we made yesterday)
-watch youtube videos to distract myself from how I'm feeling

The problem with these "quick fixes" is that the sugar makes me even moodier and the youtube vids suck my attention and motivation to get anything done. I wander around in a zombie state, doing half jobs here and there, distracted and half present. My two year old must have sensed this because he took it upon himself to rip up his brother's handmade ornament, break one of my fav ornaments, throw piles of toys around the house, help himself to candy, and throw random tantrums throughout the day. Lunch was rushed and stressful. Put Isaiah down for a nap and thankfully he went right to sleep.

Then came two hours of alone time.
The perfect chance to spend time with God right? Wrong.

 I had shop orders due for after Christmas that I NEEDED to get done. I mean, technically my customers weren't asking for them to be done today or even this week, but I wanted them out of my mind so they were a priority. Got one done, woke Isaiah up and rushed to pick up Micah.
Straight after that was a dentist appt. Kids were good during but after all hell broke loose when they both wanted to push the automatic door opener. Everyone was whining in the car ride home.

Came home and had an hour before our chiropractor appt.

The perfect chance to spend time with God right? Wrong.

I honestly can't remember what I did during this hour. Maybe youtube vids/an order. More sweets. My brain forgets.

We rushed to the chiropractor appt where the kids got to see Santa and gobble up more sweets.
Isaiah helped himself to a third doughnut after I had said no, got it taken away and threw a tantrum as we left. We all arrived home grumpy.

Ate dinner, and decided to put the kids downstairs for a movie so that I could clean up the kitchen, living room, and toy areas for the 50th time today.

The perfect chance to spend time with God right? Wrong.

Ended up staying downstairs and watching the movie. "I deserve this. The kids need this cuddle time."

Bedtime was late, everyone was grumpy, and I was spent.

.......................

Here comes the humble pie part.

I was just in the middle of writing an intense email to my husband about how I felt I was losing it when my phone informed me that my email time was over. From 9pm-9am I can't access certain apps on my phone unless I know a password. A password that only my husband knows. I had requested this be put in place because I found I was staying up too late, struggling with an addiction to social media and on my phone too much. So now I couldn't access fb, safari or my email.

The perfect chance to spend time with God right? YES!
(I imagine God took a deep breath at this point, and said, "FINALLY!!")

I opened it thinking - "Ok God what do you have for me that I probably should have read this morning?"The title was "THE INVITATION."

Priscilla started by sharing a story about her grandmother. A sweet soul. She had a husband who travelled a lot. She was raising 8 children. EIGHT CHILDREN?!! Oh....my....goodness....
She had suffered losing two children and a sickness that had left her with some physical limitations.

But all the while she was fervent in prayer and faithful in her priorities as a wife and mother.

She ALSO had this desire - to be a missionary - to travel and share about Jesus across the world.
But her dream never came to be. Because - she was a mom of 8.

Instead of complaining and sulking in discontentment, she looked at her busy brood and saw that they were her mission field. She taught them God's word, they watched her pray and learned to pray themselves. I love this quote: "the trajectory of their lives was completely changed because one woman accepted what God had placed in front of her as an invitation  to partner with Him in the purposes He'd planned for her life."

I thought about my boys and the kind of person I had modelled for them today. A mother who favours sleep, treats, social media, my phone over time with Jesus. Things that are empty, useless, unsatisfying and time-wasting. And as a result a mother that was easily frustrated, impatient, annoyed, and relieved when they went to bed.

Priscilla goes on to say, "In discerning God's leading, one of the most impactful requests you can make is to ask God to open up your eyes to see - to really see- where He is working around you and then to jump on board with it. Instead of trying to frantically (and unsuccessfully) create your own opportunities, be looking for the places where God is already moving."

Honestly, since I've started this study, I've seen God move dramatically in my heart. He has created a desire and hunger to spend time with Him - something that I never have had in my 31 years consistently. If I miss a day, I feel I've actually missed out on something special.
I was saying to my mum the other night - if there's anything I've gleaned from this study, it's that God longs to pour into us and provide what we need for each moment, each day. It may not be what we think we want or need. It may not be a miracle or a reprieve from our circumstances. It may just be a little bit of something to help you face that particular struggle of the day, a glimpse of His character , a promise to sustain you when doubts hit, a reminder of His deep love for you when you feel small, a peace that surpasses all understanding when you're overwhelmed. 

Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

I'll finish with this last bit from my study.

"The Holy Spirit reveals God's plan to you as He orchestrated the circumstances of your life. When your spiritual eyes are open to see His divine activity on the earth and your heart is stirred to engage, this is an invitation. He has allowed you to see this "open door" as a way to personally invite you to participate with Him. You don't need to know all the details of how everything will work out before you say yes. You just say, yes, up front, knowing that if He's invited you to do it, He will empower you to carry it out.
Say yes to His invitation."

God bless. xox

Come and Ask Me Yourself

"Call to me and I will answer you & tell you great & unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3
....
This verse was actually an answer tonight to a question I wrote down to God early this morning. 

I've been wrestling with a particular decision for some time now and I have been struggling to know if I'm discerning God's voice in this. So this morning I wrote down, "God I struggle to know your will on this because....Can you give a word for me regarding this to a mentor? 

Then tonight I get a message from a lovely lady who I have always thought of as a mentor and she wrote one verse: Jeremiah 33:3.

How can God be any clearer? He's saying - Trust me Beth, ask me questions, I will give you the answers you need in this situation. I was saying I needed someone else to confirm God's voice and He's saying - no come and ask me yourself.
.....
Listening to God for me has never been an audible voice thing. Some people experience that but for me it's a restlessness in my spirit when something's not right, and then verses and lyrics coming to mind that nudge me in a direction. I've been doing this amazing study this past season called "Discerning the Voice of God - How to Recognize when God speaks" by Priscilla Shirer.
And it's brought so much to light. Ugly stuff about myself, truths that God speaks over me, and a sense that He delights in me, a beautiful awareness of what it means to look through Jesus' eyes at people, at situations, at struggles, at myself. And it's been hard. Tackling things in myself that I had let thrive, unhealthy aspects of myself that I have ignored or justified. 

I honestly can say that before I started doing this study, I didn't crave time with Jesus. And the less time that I spent with him, I unintentionally dulled His voice and watered down the truth of the gospel. I've def been the biggest kind of hypocrite this year. The truth is hard to face. 

But with that truth, comes a question - Will you follow me? It's a daily question- sometimes a moment by moment question. And boy, is it easy to slip back into the "nah, I'm good, I don't need Jesus mentality" until the shit hits the fan. And then I realize - oh yeah I really don't have it all together. And this coasting mentality to my faith doesn't do a thing for me or anyone else. 

I want to be the kind of person that isn't bound by fear of what people think, or avoids the uncomfortable. Have you ever read how Jesus lived? I don't really know if he would fit into the Christian culture we have today - this image of a sweet, cuddly Jesus who never rocks the boat and has it all together. He actually preferred to spend his time with people who were broken, looked down on, people that made others uncomfortable, people that may look good on the outside but were hurting and searching on the inside. He loved people deeply but he also called it like it was and challenged people to live differently. 

It's certainly hard to discern God's voice these days, at least when we are looking to people around us to tell us what to do, what is right. We have so many people claiming what truth is what you make it.
I don't have this all figured out - but I'll tell you one thing. Choosing to make time every day to lean into Jesus, to read my Bible and dig in and ask questions - that's making all the difference for me. I feel like I'm breathing deeper than I have in a long time. And it all comes back to talking to Him first.
.....
I didn't intend to write so much, but I guess I needed to get some stuff off my heart. And I know there's people that will read this and think - wow I didn't know Beth was crazy religious. Let me stop you - I'm kinda a nut. This is true. I regularly have crazy dance parties in my kitchen with my boys to the Greatest Showman track. But I cringe at the word "religious." For me, it's not about a set of rules, or a denomination, or being a certain type of person. It really just comes down to a relationship with Jesus. One that is a work in progress. One minute at a time. xox

Waking up

I feel as though I'm waking up. Like I'm lifting my head up above a fog that's been consuming me for the past while. I think I have raised my head up a few times, caught a glimpse of what I needed to see, and fully intended to act on it, only to get pulled back down by a mix of people needing me, and me wanting to be needed.

In December, I've been promised the gift of a baby. December 2nd to be exact. If that promise changes my hope and trust will continue to rest on God but my hope is it doesn't change. I am looking forward to this new season of my life for many reasons - the number one reason being that I can focus solely on being a wife and mother for the first time in a long time.

It took an argument with my incredibly patient husband to see what I've glossed over, dunked down and flat out ignored this past year - that I've put Young Life and it's needs before that of my husband's over and over and it's worn us thin in places that are so difficult to see within the fog. Places that my husband has patiently kept to himself. Whilst I've been in the spotlight serving God and others, he has been behind the scenes, faithful and understanding, steering this ship of marriage that we're on with a firm hand, caring for the practical stuff, and looking out for our future. Our future. I am so thankful we still have that, that my misplaced need for affirmation and righteous quest hasn't cut us off from that. We have a future with our relationship and with this baby to come as we enter this new stretch of life as parents.

Don't get me wrong - I believe that we are called to serve God and that He even calls us to put Him before our families. I think though, to be perfectly honest, I have put Young Life at times even before my relationship with God. Strange how something can be so linked to God and driven by it and yet in our human weakness we raise it up over God. Sometimes He uses something to gently remind us, sometimes He uses something bitter and difficult to open our eyes. I am so thankful for what seemed so difficult that has now shown me the truth of what I needed to see.

God has done EVERYTHING in Young Life this year. Not me. God has brought more leaders on board. God has drawn kids to Him through the message of Jesus. God has equipped leaders and filled them with strength when they needed. God has given them the tools to do the task He has called them to. God has strengthened our committee and brought financial donors on board. God has and is opening our community's eyes to the need for Young Life as a tool to spread the incredible message of Christ and what a friendship with Him can look like to these teens.

And now God is equipping us for campaigners - for regular Bible studies with the kids that really want to grow in their faith. He has provided a tangible resource to follow, people to lead and I see now how easy it could have been for me a long time ago to step back, to not overwhelm myself with this sense that I am needed, that I am the only one that can do what needs to be done. It was a role that I took on at first with great excitement, but at times it was a burden and instead of pulling back to let others step forward, I just pushed myself, exhausting every inch of my resources including my marriage in trying to take charge of things.

It is a graceful line to walk now - this transitional period - from being at the front of the stage to the back of the auditorium, cheering on the people that God is calling to carry this forward.
But the more I let go, the more I see how God has already provided leaders to carry this on and I trust He will continue to provide people moving forward. Blessed and grateful to recognize this in the midst of it.